WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Trump acknowledged the deadly winter storms battering the country’s northeast region. Referred to as a “bomb cyclone,” a massive stormfront dumped more than a foot of snow in the region, and now bone chattering temperatures well below freezing are being registered. Trump, taking time out from his busy schedule of KFC eating and Fox News binge watching, addressed the storm with media outlets in the Oval Office at the time.
“People all over the country are talking about this bomb cyclone, and I have to say, this is exactly why I pushed so hard for the Muslim ban,” Trump said. “And yes, I called it a Muslim ban, wanna fight me? COME HERE MOTHERFUCKER AND FIGHT ME!”
Explaining that the president is a “little jumpy” now that Michael Wolff’s explosive tell-all book about his administration has hit retailers, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders took her lips off the gravy gravity bong she was ripping from and had Trump take a big pull. Exhaling smoke that Huckabee said “smells like Mama’s kitchen and daddy’s balls,” Trump seemed to calm himself back down.
“Anyway, the point is that I think if you talk to most real Americans — and by real I mean, you know, not looking like Obama or the Mexican Obamas out there so, Republican — they will tell you that they think of Muslims when they think of bombs because only Muslims bomb things,” Trump said.
Just then, news of a 26-year old white supremacist arrested by the FBI for attempting to carry out a terror attack on an Amtrak train flashed up on the screen. Trump saw it, said he hopes “the nice young man gets justice” and continued on.
“What was I saying? Oh right, only Muslims are terrorists,” Trump said, “and terrorists use bombs. This thing was called a bomb cyclone, so, bing-bang-boom, MUSLIM.”
Another news report about the man being tried in the vehicular murder of a protester at a white power rally in Charlottesville, Virginia last year came on the TV. Trump gazed at the screen hazily for a couple seconds, wiped some drool from his mouth, and took a bite of the fried chicken next to him.
“Fact of the matter is, if we hadn’t been blocked by the stupid courts — who invented those courts anyway, and what makes them think they’re equal to me? Anyway, if my amazing Muslim ban hadn’t been blocked by the courts, this bomb cyclone would never have happened. That’s a fact,” Trump said. “Take it to the bank. Or I guess in my case, take it to bankruptcy court.”