McDitzydick Clarifies: “The President Didn’t Downplay COVID, He Just Played It Down!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say it was a tough day for the Trump administration would be quite the understatement because the story of the day was recorded audio of the president admitting that he was lying to the American people about the deadliness of COVID-19. The recordings were made back in February before a single American had died from the coronavirus. The death toll now stands at over 200,000, with almost no hope of that number abating before a vaccine is developed.

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It was the kind of day that would be tough for any administration.

On the other hand, the embattled presidential regime has always helped itself to the same kind of heaping helpings of scandal, corruption, incompetence, failure, and mendacity as the man as its head would enjoy at a buffet. That is, of course, if buffets weren’t all closed because of his administration’s completely failed response to the coronavirus.

Making matters much worse for the administration was the contradictory and confusing response to the story. When asked directly, Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick said during the day’s press briefing that the president actually never “downplayed” COVID-19. However, as the political group MeidasTouch quickly documented, that seemed to contradict what the actual audio evidence demonstrates Trump said.

Appearing on Fox News later in the evening, it was clear that McDitzyDick was making an attempt to walk back, or at least soften, how firmly she denied whether President Trump downplayed the virus. Speaking to a garbage bag full of the ashes of burnt crosses doused in expensive but awful smelling cologne known as Tucker Carlson, McDitzydick walked the Fox audience through her version of reality.

“Right, so here’s the thing – not surprisingly the lamestream media is at again. Whatever it is they said I said, I didn’t say, first of all,” McDitzydick explained with a smug grin on her face. “You know you can trust I’m telling the truth not by Googling and finding unedited, full versions of what I say, but by trusting I’m not lying to you because the big orange dumbfuck in the Oval Office told you to believe me, and this being a death cult you kinda have to believe me, don’t you?”

Without taking a breath, McDitzydick pressed on.

“At the very least, even if you find clips of me saying exactly what I said, let me just give you some alternative facts that might help you see things from the, RIGHT, point of view, if you know what I mean,” McDitzydick said, “they’re going to be taking what I said out of context. Let me explain what I meant right here, and right now, to your audience, Tucker, if I may.”

Carlson gave McDitzydick “free rein as the fuhrer’s personal propagandist” to say what she wanted to his audience.

“Awesome, thanks Tuck! So the thing is, right, everybody,” McDitzdick began, reaching below the frameline of the camera to grab a giant binder full of notes, which she read from. “What I meant to say was that the president didn’t downplay COVID, the just played it down. That’s what I would have said if I had known that those mean reporters were going to write stories that quoted me verbatim!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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