Manchin: “If Rubbing Coal on My Balls Isn’t Doing Enough for Climate Change, That’s On You”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a defeat for his party in Virginia, and with another potential loss still in the offing over in New Jersey, alleged Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin is still not committed to passing more of President Joe Biden’s “Build Back Better” agenda.

In particular, Manchin remains steadfastly against any large increases in spending aimed at curbing and combatting climate change. During an interview on Fox News this morning, Manchin explained that he doesn’t think there’s a need to spend trillions of dollars attempting to stop and reverse the impact of anthropogenic climate change. Instead, he insisted that he is “already doing more than enough” about the declining state of Earth’s ecology.

Man Apologizes for Losing Track of His Dick Long Enough for It to Become Fox News Host

“I have to wonder if the progressives in the Democratic Party understand how much I already do, Brian, about climate change, I mean. They probably have no earthly clue that every single night I rub my balls down with some of West Virginia’s most precious and literally divinely inspired products — coal,” an obviously upset Manchin said.

“Each and every night, I get a lump of the finest coal my state has to offer, and I go into my office. Once there, I remove my pants and underpants, and rub my testicles all over with the coal, making sure to leave a thin black coating over the withered leather pouch that contains my hang-downs.”

Sen. Manchin blasted fellow Democrats who have been pushing he and Sen. Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona to get on board with the climate change expenditures in Biden’s budget proposal.

“So because a bunch of kids who will be here long after I’m dead want me to do more about the climate, I have to? Forget it,” Manchin said flatly.

“If rubbing coal on my balls isn’t doing enough for climate change, that’s on you. If chucking coal clods at kids as they ride past my mansion isn’t being a climate warrior, I don’t know what is. What I do know is that if I care about the poor people I represent, or the environment enough, I could end up voting to take action on those fronts, and that’s communism, right there.”

No Matter What, I Back the Blue. Until I Beat Them With a Flagpole During an Insurrection.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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