Local Crybaby Moron Still Thinks He’s Going to be President in August

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — A local resident of the area is, according to the handful of people who still consider themselves friends or family to him, has been telling anyone who will listen to him that in just a few short weeks he’ll be president again. Reportedly, the man believes that sometime in August, a heretofore unbeknownst clause in the Constitution or elsewhere will give him a pathway to holding the office of the presidency as his own, and is telling anyone and everyone that he earnestly believes it will happen. The man in question is also a crybaby moron.

“It’s starting to become a little concerning. We kept telling him all last year that there was at least a small chance he might not win,” one source told us on condition of anonymity. “But he was so convinced Rudy and Bill Barr would keep him on his throne that he didn’t listen to us. He really thinks he was cheated, even though the counts were done, re-done, certified, and he lost all those court cases.”

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The former whiny cuck in chief apparently isn’t sure himself exactly how he’s going to be put back into power. The Constitution does not contain any language or parameters for such a thing. Even if the pathetic, geriatric whiner were to find millions of illegal votes and produced evidence to back those claims up, legal scholars are still dubious as to whether anything could be done about it.

“They could impeach Biden, I suppose. There are some things that can certainly be done, but Dad — I mean, the former president — is really sure he’ll back in D.C. in August,” our source explained. “We keep telling him to focus on 2024, but he wants what he wants. And his mommy and daddy always gave him what he wanted and never held him to account, so here we are. Face to face. A couple of Silver Spoons.”

The crybaby moron in question is reportedly also hard at work on his presidential memoir. However, his limited literacy and a crayon shortage on the east coast has him with a lot more free time than he knows what to do with. As such, the entitled, spoiled, grifting conman sore loser has filled the colostomy bag in his skull that he calls a “brain” with all kinds of conspiracy theories about his return to power.

“We really thought the Hooked-On-Phonics workbooks and a giant box of crayons would keep him busy for a long time,” our source said, “but he ate a bunch of the crayons and now their replacements are on backorder, so all he has to do is spend time on the dark web since he doesn’t have any social media accounts to rage post on. We’re not really sure what to do.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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