Surprised Doctors Pronounce Lauren Boebert Not Brain Dead

A visibly surprised team of doctors at Colorado State Hospital made an announcement this morning that their team leader said he “couldn’t believe” they were making. We had a reporter on the scene who brought us the details of this rather unusual press conference.

“It is with an absolute flood of surprise and shock that we stand here today. Needless to say, I don’t think any of us thought it would turn out this way, and God knows we did everything in our power to make sure the information we’re about to publicize is as accurate and reliable,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters. “That being said, after conferring with the patient, her loved ones, and the House Republican conference, we can pronounce Congresswoman Lauren Boebert not brain dead.”

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Reportedly, the announcement brought shock waves of confusion from the members of the media who were present.

“I can tell how shocked and confused you all are right now, as if a shock wave of those emotions had just washed over you,” Hornaydieux said, “and let me assure you, that’s the same sense of shock we all felt. Even an untrained layperson could sense that Ms. Boebert is stupid as fuck, just with the anecdotal evidence we have based on her public speaking and tweets. So when we were tasked with finding out if she’s clinically brain dead, we all were fairly certain of the outcome of the brain wave tests we did on her before we administered them. To find out she’s indeed not brain dead after all will go down as one of the most shocking moments in my career.”

Though it’s true that Ms. Boebert isn’t brain dead, that doesn’t mean her brain is normal, according to Dr. Hornaydieux.

“One thing to note, though, is that despite the fact that she is not brain dead, her brain is still comprised of farts, racism, and checks from the NRA,” Hornaydieux explained, “so this is likely the explanation for why she comes off as brain dead, but is really just that gallingly fucking dumb.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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