Lahren Defends George Floyd’s Killer: “Blue Kneels Matter More”

LA VALLE RUBIA PINCHE PUTA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributing racist Tomi Lahren has made quite  career for herself out of defending the police in every famous case where questionable use of force is at the heart of the matter. The brutal killing of George Floyd by an officer in Minneapolis — an act recorded on a smartphone for the entire country to see — has just gotten the Lahren Treatment.

Speaking on Jesse Watters’ show, Lahren blasted “snowflakes and libtards” who she says “do not show adequate respect and worshiping of our beloved police force and its gloriously strong boot heel.” Lahren said that as far as she can tell the officer who killed Floyd is “in the right” because he was kneeling on Floyd’s neck, an act she has lambasted when former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick for when he was doing it before football games during the national anthem.

More: Twitter to Start Putting “Emotionally Fragile Idiot” Label on Trump Tweets

Lahren addressed the Kaepernick comparison directly.

“Let me just say this to my snowflake hater friends,” Lahren said. “This case is different than Kaepernick for a lot of reasons. First of off — the cop is a cop! He is, by definition, above the law! How can you expect cops to defend the law if they’re not high enough above it to see it clearly?! Secondly, his kneel is more important and frankly more constitutional than Kaepernick’s! Yes, all kneels matter, but blue kneels matter more, period.”

Later in the broadcast, Watters welcomed Sgt. Richard Fuchfacce of the National Order and Fraternity of Cops to his show. Sgt. Fuchfacce said he was “moved and touched” by Lahren’s “ability to repeatedly equivocate and excuses for murders, racists, and racist murderers on the police force.” The 22 year veteran said that people like Lahren make his job easier, but they also make not doing his job even easier.

“Sure, they make it so that people are more willing to be servile little bitches even as we trample on their constitutional rights in ways they accuse black Democrats of doing every time one farts, burps, or sneezes,” Fuchfacce told Watters, “and that’s kick-ass for sure! But what’s even more kick-ass is that people like Tabasco actually make use more able to not do our jobs correctly, because every time one of us fucks up in an obvious way, she’s right there to call out the people calling us out for not being sufficiently subservient little cuck soyboy beta bitches the Constitution was too pussy-bitch-ass to to make them be.”

Watters dabbed away tears of laughter as Sgt. Fuchfacce pulled out a strap on dildo, placed it around his waist, and started ramming it down Watters’ throat, breaking the shit out of social distancing guidelines in the process.

“So, it’s most definitely a win-win. We do it right, she praises us,” Fuchfacce said, the dildo penetrating Watters’ throat as he spoke. “We do it wrong, she makes everyone else the criminal for rightly accusing us of being criminals. It’s good to cops!”

Poll: Majority of Americans Wish Trump’s Mom Had Been Pro-Choice

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This