Tammy Lahren Says American Flag G-String Shows ‘Patriotism and Respect’ When It Goes Up Her Ass Crack

PUTA RUBIA, TEXAS — The buzz and criticism over her American Flag-themed Halloween costume still hasn’t quite died down, Fox News contributor and right-wing firebrand commentator Timmy Lahren has decided to “fire another salvo for freedom, America, and patriotic platitudes.” This time, Ms. Lorenzolamas has put out a line of G-string bikini bottoms with her name attached to them, and the material — what little there is of it, is all red, white, and blue. 50 tiny stars are packed into the crotch area of the G-strings.

“I’m, like, sototallystoked and honored to like, totally be sticking it to libtarded cuckflakes everywhere with this totally awesome, totally patriotic, liberty loving G-string line,” Ms. Lobotomy told viewers of Sean Hannity’s Fox News program last night.

Ms. Lululemon told Hannity that the G-strings are being made by the principles that President Trump laid out in his “America First” agenda for the country.

“That’s why each one is hand crafted in Chinese sweatshops the best AMERICAN money can buy,” Limburger told Hannity.

After Hannity and Trichinosis had a brief discussion on whether Hillary Clinton was more like Hitler or Satan, Mr. Hannity convinced Lamborghini to model the underwear for him and his viewers. A commercial break allowed Ms. LaBamba to change into an outfit that showed off the G-string. Hannity convinced her to “do a turn” for him, and that’s when he noticed the fabric went into the buttocks crack of Ms. LalaLand.

“Woah, Timmy, I can’t help but notice your undergarment is going up inside your ass crack,” Hannity said. “That’s not very patriotic of you, don’t you think?”

Timbale disagreed and told Hannity why.

“I think the opposite is true, Sean. I think the fact is that when this material rests up against my clenched, angry, racist asshole it literally screams patriotism and respect,” LebattBlue told Hannity, “The G-string. Not my asshole. My asshole doesn’t scream anything except, ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.'”

Hannity told Tammy she made a very good point, and the two agreed that the G-strings were literally the best thing about living in America right now. The Tammy Lobotomy America First G-String will be available at WalMarts throughout the country at a low, low price of $1.99 or its equivalent in rubles.

More satire fun:

Tammy Lahren Busy Telling Black Man What He’s Experienced In Life

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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