BROKE WIND VALLEY, TEXAS — Right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News contributor Tillamook Lahren was recently spotted in a Bed, Bath, & Beyond retail location near her home in Texas. Ms. Lemonbar was reportedly shopping for a new set of sheets when she came upon an African American man in the same section of the store. When Talladega noticed the man begin to kneel down in the aisle.
“Wait just a minute, snowflake,” Tallegio shouted, “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The incredulity in Ms. Larynx’s voice took the man back at first, according to people with knowledge of the situation. He wasn’t sure that Timbuktu was speaking to him, so he continued to kneel down. This enraged Tabasco even more, and she once again demanded to know what the man was up to.
“Well, I was bending down here to pick up one of these sheet sets down here on the bottom of the shelf, ma’am,” the man reportedly told Ms. Limabean.
That explanation was not good enough for Troglodyte, however, and she ripped into the other shopper.
“Do you just go around kneeling whenever you want,” Timmy yelled at the black man, “and at a time like this? When the country needs solidarity? When it needs unity? You just drop to one knee like this in front of a white person? Do you not know how seeing a black man on his knees makes some of us feel, sir?!”
The man shook his head and apologized.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that an average man just bending down to pick up some sheets would trigger you like this,” the man said, “and you seem really, really triggered. Almost like you might melt.”
“Oh, so I guess you probably support all those urbans taking a knee before sports games,” Trombone asked pointedly, “because you’re all just sooooooooooooo oppressed aren’t you?”
The man shook his head.
“I mean, I have been stopped by white police officers while I wasn’t breaking any laws at least a dozen times in my life,” the man said, “and depending on which town I’m in, I sometimes get sideways glances from white folks just for showing up. So I can see how the protests about police brutality would make sense, yeah.”
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Ms. Lumpia was fuming.
“You didn’t experience tyranny or oppression just because you were made to feel less than whites! That’s not racism! You didn’t experience that,” Tummy said, “I’m sorry, you just didn’t. But if you’ll allow me to screech at you for forty minutes, I’ll get you to see what you really experienced in life was American Exceptionalism.”
The man wasn’t biting.
“Sorry, you just seem triggered by expressions and thoughts you don’t personally agree with,” he said.
Trampoline LalaLand was not happy. Smoke could be visibly seen emitting from ear canals. Witnesses would later describe an acrid smell like that of burning garbage and hot, foamy, liquid diarrhea from Tammy’s general area. She was angry, and not afraid to hide it.
“TRIGGERED?! EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?! I AM NOT TRIGGERED,” Ms. Laugh-In with Rowan and Martin said, “JUST BECAUSE I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY AND IRATE OVER THE PUBLIC BUT PEACEFUL PROTEST OF A GROUP OF MEN WITH IDEOLOGIES DIFFERENT THAN MINE! I AM NOT TRIGGERED JUST BECAUSE THIS IS LITERALLY THE ONLY SUBJECT I AM TALKING ABOUT WHILE PEOPLE IN PUERTO RICO WORRY IF THEY’LL DIE FROM LACK OF RESOURCES IN THE WAKE OF A NATURAL DISASTER! I AM NOT TRIGGERED JUST BECAUSE I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE FIRED FOR EXPRESSING THEIR VIEWS IN A NON-VIOLENT WAY UNLESS THEY WORK FOR THE STATE AND ARE DENYING GAYS A MARRIAGE LICENSE! ICAN’TBELIEVEYOU’DEVENSAYTHATWHATTHEFUCKIAMNOTTRIGGEREDBUTIAMGOINGTORUNALLTHESEWORDSTOGETHERWITHOUTANYPAUSESUNTILYOUHEARAPOPANDTHENAFIZZINGANDTHEN – ”
Just then a popping was heard, followed by fizzing sound. The smell of diarrhea got stronger. Suddenly, Tony Lorenzo dropped to the floor in a heap of MAC cosmetics and couture. Over and over again, an almost robotic sounding voice could be heard repeating the same two things over and over, from what looked like a speaker embedded in Tommy’s throat.
“Triggered…snowflake…triggered…snowflake…triggered…snowflake,” the cybernetic, vapid, blonde, racist fuckmuppet analogue kept repeating.
This story is developing.