LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — Bob “Satan” Beelzebub held a press conference today ahead of Hell’s planned festivities for the 2017 Halloween Season. After giving the details for this year’s celebration of all things evil, Satan then took questions from reporters, and was asked for his feelings about former actor and relevant human being Kirk Cameron’s comments regarding Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Cameron
As reported by Entertainment Weekly, Cameron called the hurricanes a “spectacular display of God’s immense power” and that he believes there is a “purpose” behind them, but that they’re meant to force humanity to “respond to God in humility.”
“This is a spectacular display of God’s immense power,” Cameron says in a video, which has more than 250,000 views. “When he puts his power on display, it’s never without reason. There’s a purpose. And we may not always understand what that purpose is, but we know it’s not random, and we know that weather is sent to cause us to respond to God in humility, awe and repentance … Maybe share that with your kids when they ask why this is happening.” (source)
Satan explained that he was “pretty proud of his investment” in Cameron and said that it was “working out” how he’d expected their arrangement to.
“What better way,” Mr. Beelzebub asked the reporters, “to turn people off to Christians than Kirk Cameron talking out loud? Every time he does, I feel like Christianity loses another couple hundred thousand potential conversions.”
The devil said he “just had to marvel” at Cameron’s “innate ability to say dumber things each and every time” he comments on a news story.
“This cat just basically gave credit to God for hurricanes,” Satan said, obviously holding back laughter, “CREDIT. And he thinks he’s doing Christianity a favor, too, I bet.”
Beelzebub said that part of what endears Cameron to him is that he manages to “out-douche the douchiest of douchebags” that are part of the Religious Right. He said that televangelist Pat Robertson and the cast of “Duck Dynasty” come close, but that Cameron “still always manages to be the smelliest fart in your pants.”
“I mean, I always think that douche flagons like Sean Hannity make people vomit when they think about Christianity,” Satan explained, “but Cameron takes smarmy fuckery to new, Mariana Trench-like depths every time he opens his pie hole.”
Satan admits to occasionally having misgivings about working with Cameron, even though it was their idea they team up together. He says he had no idea Cameron would “start taking that shit so seriously.”
“Honestly? It might be one of those times where even I think I went too far,” Beelzebub said contemplatively.
Satan explained how he and Cameron’s business relationship began.
“It was back in, like, ’88, maybe ’89. Growing Pains was blowing up, and Kirk hadn’t overdosed on piety yet,” Satan said, continuing, “I asked him if he felt like making a little side cash, and all he had to do was help me take the Religious Right down a peg or two.”
Cameron was instructed to “dip a baby toe in offensive, socially conservative bigotry and ignorance,” the Prince of Darkness said.
“You know, say some mildly offensive shit every now and then,” Satan said, “and then slink back into the shadows. But if he’s gonna go around saying dumb stuff like this, even while people are recovering in Houston and about to be battered in Florida, I gotta think about some things.”
Satan said that Cameron even outshines one of his most recent “screeching blonde racist fuckmuppet acquisitions.”
“Man, and I thought Tomato Lahren was great at making Christians look like petty shits,” Satan quipped.
Ultimately, Satan says that he will likely continue working with Mr. Cameron.
“I most definitely could not be happier with my investment. I mean, he’s a piece of shit, no doubt. But that works out for me. Humanity? Christianity? Ehhhhhhhhhhh, maybe not so much. But I’m Stan. I’m selfish. It’s kinda one of my calling cards, know what I mean?”