God To Pat Robertson: “Fuck Donald Trump And Also Fuck You, Pharisee Bitch!”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This week, televangelist Pat Robertson said on the “700 Club” TV show that if people don’t support Co-President Trump, they may be angering God. Because he believes that God’s plan for America was sent through Trump he says that protesters who oppose Trump are “not only revolting against Trump, they’re revolting against what God’s plan is for America.”

This morning, during a weekly heavenly press conference, Larry “God” Schumway addressed Robertson’s remarks directly.

“Pat is out of his fucking mind,” God said, pulling no punches, “and it takes a ridiculous amount of self-delusion to see Trump and think you can glean anything remotely Christian from his words. Trump is a fascist moron, an arrogant, bloated rich fool the exact likes of which my son railed against when he was down there.”

God said that in his estimation Robertson is way off base in how he thinks about a whole host of subjects.

“Look,” Schumway said, his hands waving wildly, “I have never given that many shits about traditional marriage or family values because of all beings, I understand most that things change all the time. I literally made change one of the few constants in this me-damned universe. So you want to change how you view marriage, knock yourself out.”

Mr. Schumway said that for “Pat to jump behind Trump, the thrice married, pussy grabbing sexual offender” and then imply God is  “down with that kind of shit” is what God would call  a “bridge too far.” God also said that Trump’s immigration policies put him in direct conflict with Christian principles.

“My son went down there to bring my message of loving everyone no matter what,” God said, “and Trump’s the Muslim Ban schmuck? Who the hell would think that my values even remotely line up with that dumb dick’s? Oh right, Pat Robertson is that guy.”

Ultimately, God says he’s “blown away” that Robertson would align himself someone like Trump. God said time and again Trump has shown himself to be the kind of person who puts money before principle. A partnership with Trump, God said, is far less Godly and Christian than one against him. God said that Robertson is starting to look and sound like a Pharisee to him. Pharisees were the overly pious, disingenuous leaders of the church that Christ often rebelled against in the Bible.

“Donald Trump is the kind of asshole I specifically told Jesus to smack around when I sent him down there,” God said, ending the press conference, “He’s a literal Pharisee. So you know what my message to Patty is? Fuck Donald Trump, and also fuck you, Pharisee Bitch!”

Jesus Hubert Christ, son of God, and Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc, said simple, “Dad’s right. Don’s a douche, and Patty ain’t far behind him.”

Below is a clip of Robertson’s statement, courtesy of RightWingWatch.Org:

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This