Kimberly Guilfoyle: “Fox News Prepared Me Perfectly To Be Surrounded By Dicks No One Wants To See”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Kim Guilfoyle used to be one of Fox News’ hottest commodities; these days however, she’s locked in a bitter dispute with her now former employer over the circumstances of her departure.

It’s not all dark times for Guilfoyle though, because she’s dating the son of the most powerful man in the free world’s installed puppet figurehead.

Speaking to reporters this morning as her new beau, Donald Trump Jr., was in a consultation with a plastic surgeon for his chronic jizz face condition, Ms. Guilfoyle said she isn’t having any problems assimilating into the Trump family, and that her previous employer “fully prepared” her for what to expect with the Trumps.

“You’d be surprised the similarities between Fox News and the Trump Organized Crime Family,” Guilfoyle said.

“For starters, you literally don’t hear anything different between the two because the Trumps and Fox News are like a two headed snake that eats and then shits itself down into its other mouth. That’s why Papa Trump’s tweets read like Fox News chyrons and why Fox News talking heads echo Stephen Miller’s draconian, revanchist rhetoric.”

Guilfoyle said that one part of the Fox News culture in particular, however, prepared her the most for what it’d be like to be so close to the Trump family.

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“Whether it was Bolling, O’Reilly, or the late great Roger Ailes the Hutt, if there’s one thing being a woman at Fox got you used to, it was being bombarded and surrounded by dicks you didn’t want to see,” Guilfoyle said.

“Sexual harassment was so pervasive in that company even I took it up to fit in, initially, but then I started to understand how fun it was to assail people with digital images of penises they had no intention or desire to ever see.”

Ms. Guilfoyle says that Sean Hannity also helped her in another way to prepare for being a Trump surrogate.

“Once you’ve worked with Sean for a couple years, you don’t even notice the diarrhea smell,” Guilfoyle said.

“So I haven’t even gagged once since I’ve started going out with Don Jr. Except when he told me he wants me to give him his ‘own little Ivanka.’ I don’t really want to know what he meant by that, honestly. Even as a dead-eyed, empty-headed, MAGA cultist, I know that there’s some shit that’s grody to the max and shouldn’t be said.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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