Trump Will Only Pardon Turkey That Voted For Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump said that he would continue a long standing presidential Thanksgiving tradition, and will “pardon” a turkey from its fate as dinner. However, Trump also said he was putting his own unique twist on the tradition.

“I ordered Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, and my sons Eric and Don Junior to scour the country and find me a turkey truly worth of pardoning,” Trump announced from the Oval Office this morning, “and by worthy, of course I mean, a turkey who has voted for me. Because I am a firm believer in the Golden Rule — treat Donald Trump the way you want to be treated. You scratch my back, I’ll pardon you. Bingo Bango. Bongo.”

President Trump said that he feels determining which turkey to pardon by choosing one that voted for him follows a rich Trump family tradition.

“We always look out for ourselves first,” Trump said, beaming, “Which of course makes us bigly patriots and good Christians, right? Isn’t that the point of the Bible? Be good to the rich and always look take care of your own super-wealthy ass first? I’m sure that’s what it’s about, and if not, I’ll sign a presidential decree making it so.”

The tradition of pardoning turkeys goes back to the 1940’s. The first president to officially enter a turkey pardon into the record was Ronald Reagan, who did so in 1987 amid the Iran-Contra Affair. Trump says he initially considered not doing the turkey pardon this year, however.

“As you all know, my number one priority, above even being a good president and doing things that help people, is to destroy what Barack HUSSEIN Obama did during his tenure in the White House,” Trump said, “and so I was thinking that I’d skip the whole turkey pardon thing, since you know, he urban-ed it all up with his urbanness anyway, know what I mean?”

But one woman was able to convince him to take the tradition up and make his own — his First Lady.

“We were in bed and she just leans over and says to me, I should really pardon a turkey but make it my own thing,” Trump said he was told by the woman he loves the most in a very deep, romantic way. “So I told Ivanka that was one hell of a good idea, patted her on the head, and rolled over and went to sleep, so I could be up at 2 AM tweeting angrily from the shitter…as one does.”

Trump sees one immediate benefit to using his new criteria for choosing a turkey to pardon.

“The good news is that according to the popular vote count last year,” Trump said, “There are at least 63 million turkeys to choose from in this country.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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