Kellyanne Conway Chose…Poorly

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In hindsight, her friends and family say that White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway realizes she made quite a few mistakes in the last four or five years, and that her decision to work with the Trump administration was a poor choice. Analysis of pictures of Conway from the years 2016-2020 show quite unmistakably that she paid a heavy price for her choice to work with Trump.

Kellyanne Conway chose…poorly.

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“We all have to live the consequences of our decisions,” one source to the situation told us, “so most of us don’t really have much sympathy for Kellyanne. You choose too poorly in certain situations, and well, this is what happens. Some people will have their careers and reputations ruined, some people end up aging a hundred years in 30 seconds and end up looking like a skeleton with ratty, bleach blonde hair.”

Conway famously made her first big splash as a presidential adviser when she coined the term “alternative facts” as a replacement for the more traditional “lying through your corrupt, fascist teeth.”

“It seems like what happened is that the toxic sludge inside her heart that built up after lying to protect the ego of a racist, horrible man who authorized putting kids in cages finally just became too much for her body to handle,” Dr. Benson Haronaydieux told us, “and she aged very rapidly, very quickly. Though, to be honest, it’s hard to tell the difference between what she looked like before, and what she looks like now, so it’s possible she’s always just been a skeletal crack whore, so take my diagnosis as you will.”

While she is expected to make a full recovery, Kellyanne will likely not be spending much time in front of cameras until she’s had millions of dollars worth of plastic surgery.

“It can be quite costly to take a face like Kellyanne’s and try to de-sekele-fy it,” Hornaydieux told us. “Because, well, put it this way. How easy to do you think it is for a sculptor to create a beautiful, lifelike statue out of melted crayon wax and dog shit? Now you understand what the surgeons would have in store for them.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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