WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Gym Jordan told a right-wing talk radio station today that the hearing held before the House Oversight and Reform Committee yesterday was a “total waste of taxpayer dollars.” Jordan said because no one asked Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s former personal attorney and fixer, any questions about the 2012 terror attack in Benghazi, Libya.
“Let me ask you this, why did Michael Cohen not once get into his involvement with the Benghazi affair? Is he covering up for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama? We might not ever know,” Jordan told W-KKK’s Chet Chitterson during the afternoon drive time. “And that’s just a shame. A total and complete farce, if you ask me.”
Yesterday marked the first time that Democrats have had a chance to convene the oversight committee for a hearing on the 2016 presidential election, and any collusion with the Russian government perpetrated by the Trump campaign. FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation is still ongoing, but for the last two years, House Dems have had to settle for being sideline players as the minority party in the House. With the Republicans being shellacked in last year’s mid-terms and losing 40 seats, the Democrats have been able to rest the gavel from the GOP’s hands, and now are holding their own hearings.
“I just can’t understand for the life of me why we’re discussing anything but Benghazi, or at least some other scandal involving Democrats,” Jordan howled. “I mean, some of us on our side of the aisle have gotten used to how things were. We like our traditions; we’re conservatives after all. And, traditionally, this committee has only investigated the burps, farts, sniffles, sneezes, and coughs of Democrats named Clinton or Obama. Now all of a sudden we’re supposed to care about actual crimes being committed in the Oval Office? Poppycock, I say!”
Jordan then recalled that “Peeper Cock” was what his nickname on the college wrestling team was.
“And another thing, why are we talking to a liar in this committee,” Jordan asked rhetorically. “We already got a liar in the Oval Office, and I’m a small government Republican, so it seems like wasteful big government spending to haul another liar into congress, if you ask me.”
Rep. Jordan was extremely upset that he and his fellow Freedom Caucus member Rep. Mark Meadows of North Carolina “put a lot of hard work into coming up with distractions” from Cohen’s testimony, and the press didn’t report on them enough. Jordan says that it’s a “miscarriage of justice” for Cohen to “give us corroborating evidence like some kind of libtard.”
“But what really gets my goat is that we spent hours meticulously making the case for why Cohen is a liar who can’t be trusted,” Jordan told Chitterson, “and all the lamestream media can talk about is how we basically proved that Trump’s a liar who needs liars to work for him so they can do his lying for him. What the friggin’ H, man?! All that work for nothing!”
Jordan says that even if Cohen had somehow implied that Trump was involved with Benghazi, that would have satisfied his personal criteria for a successful and newsworthy hearing.
“I mean, shit, throw us a bone, Michael! Imply Trump’s mixed up with Killary and Benghazi, I don’t know,” Jordan said, sputtering but with emotional sincerity. “Maybe I’m just a little lost and heartbroken at these hearings now that I can’t just bloviate non-stop to run out the clock on holding Trump accountable. Maybe I just need to go hit the showers. I don’t know.”
Jordan would have been happy if any number of Obama or Clinton era scandals had been discussed.
“Would it have killed them to ask Cohen a single question about what he knew about Whitewater? Vince Foster? Anything? Jeez, talk about abdicating your responsibilities,” Jordan quipped. “They didn’t even ask once about Jade Helm or Obama’s FEMA gay frog chemtrail camps! I tried to ask about him taking ‘In God We Trust’ off our money and coins, and I was cut off because I ran out of time!”
The Freedom Caucus has decided that they will pursue the Benghazi/Cohen angle themselves, without the support of the oversight committee.
“We will leave no stone unturned, no pussy un-grabbed, no piss whore un-Russia’d,” Jordan said, “until we get to the bottom of what Hillary Clinton brainwashed Donald Trump’s longtime personal lawyer into doing on behalf of her, George Soros, Saul Alinsky, and Osama Bin Barack Obama, or we’ll die watching naked boys shower and also probably trying!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.