WASHINGTON, D.C. — The collective political world is at a stand still, awaiting with great anticipation the public congressional testimony from Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s longtime former personal attorney. Mr. Cohen is expected to testify to moments of Trump’s racism, as well as to details that implicate Trump in crimes committed both before and after taking office.
Mr. Trump is currently in Vietnam, meeting with the autocratic dictator Kim Jong-Un of North Korea. In a tweet, Trump tried to distance himself from Cohen, as well as cast doubts on his trustworthiness.
Michael Cohen was one of many lawyers who represented me (unfortunately). He had other clients also. He was just disbarred by the State Supreme Court for lying & fraud. He did bad things unrelated to Trump. He is lying in order to reduce his prison time. Using Crooked’s lawyer!
President Trump’s tweet surprised hardly anyone on the Hill. It has long since been a part of his persona to attack people he sees as a threat to him. That Cohen is also someone who has turned on Trump probably rankled the president even more than usual. But in a stunning turn of events, it would appear that Trump is attempting to change tactics at the 11th hour.
Moments before Mr. Cohen entered the capitol building, set to testify before a House committee, a courier stopped him. A plain envelope was handed to Mr. Cohen, who promptly opened it. Inside the envelope was a check for $130,000 and a hand-written note on presidential stationery.
“Dear Mickey Coham or Whatever Your Name Is (I Barely Know You, Of Course),” Trump’s letter reads. “I figured you always lie when I pay you, so now would be a good time for you start lying for me again. Please, if you can remember to do so, lie for me again. Accept this money on behalf of the entire Trump Crime Syndicate. It’s for you, provided you keep your dirty rat mouth shut, Mickey!”
The letter is particular in what Trump wants Cohen to lie about.
“Instead of confirming that I’m a racist white collar crook,” Trump writes, “do the opposite. Do un-that, Mickey. Do it for me, one more time, for old crimes’ sake!”
Cohen immediately handed the check to FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who happened to be on a leisurely stroll when he saw the commotion with the courier.
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“Thanks Mike. I’ll put this check and the letter on top of all the tweets we’ve printed out,” Mueller said. “I would have never guessed that I’d be mounting a criminal case against a sitting president 280 characters at a time, but here are…face to face…a couple of Silver Spoons.”
Cohen and Mueller sang a small bit from the “Silver Spoons” theme song as a duet.
“Together! We’re gonna find our way! Together! Taking the time each day,” Cohen sang.
“To learn all about, those things you just can’t buy,” Mueller sang back.
“Two silver spoons together,” Cohen sang again.
“You and I,” they sang together.
Mr. Cohen shook Mueller’s hand, and bade him farewell.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.