WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees dropped a bombshell on the White House — FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller will testify in open hearings on July 17th. Within hours of finding out, President Trump took to Twitter and signalled his displeasure with a refrain that has become quite common ever since his party lost control of the House of Representatives during last year’s midterm election.
Mr. Trump wasn’t the only Republican to complain about Mueller’s upcoming testimony, however. Congressman Jim Jordan (R-OH), who has become a leading GOP voice since January, spoke to reporters this morning about Mueller’s testimony. Rep. Jordan, just coming to the rotunda after visiting the gym, blasted Democrats for “dragging Mueller in and forcing him to speak to the American people.”
“Hey guys, just getting back from the gym. Oh, not working out…just, you know, watching. Do Democrats really think American citizens care if their president is a lawless wannabe autocrat,” Jordan asked incredulously. “What will we even learn? I’ve heard that my colleagues on the other side of the aisle have no intention of even asking Bob Mueller about Hillary Clinton’s emails! Hell, they won’t even touch on Benghazi, and we’re supposed to believe they actually care about the important issues?”
Jordan said that “continuing to investigate Trump sets a dangerous precedent and continues the wrong kind of witch hunts the American people are sick and tired of.”
“The only witch hunts Americans care about are the ones we go after a real witch, HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON, with,” Jordan said. “Look, I’ve ignored a lot of heinous stuff in my day. Some might say I have a penchant for not doing anything about really bad stuff. But I cannot sit back and let this country be dragged into an endless pursuit of the truth! I cannot let this president’s power be checked or balanced by a bunch of Democrats who won’t even get into whether Mueller ordered the stand down or Hillary did!”
Rep. Jordan believes that he has an ace up his sleeve, however. That ace’s name? Attorney General William Barr.
“I’ll just invite Attorney General Barr to testify at the same hearing Mueller’s testifying in. And Barr can just paraphrase and misquote Mueller right after every question he answers,” Jordan said, beaming with pride. “It didn’t take long for me to wrestle with that one, either! I’m so smart! I’m definitely not a nasally voiced protofascist apologist for a corrupt, stupid, and criminal presidential regime! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Jordan disappeared in a cloud of WMD from Iraq and doctored Planned Parenthood videos.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.