Men’s Rights Activist Vows to Never Shave Cousin’s Genitals with Gillette Razor Again

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster Jethro Bohiggins is angry about a new ad from Gillette, and he’s not only going to boycott their razors, he says he will only use a competitor’s razors for one of his favorite pastimes.

“You know what, Gillette? I used to use your razors when Carol and me would do the hanky-panky-stanky, but not anymore! I will not shave her genitals with your razors,” Jethro screamed into the camera during his last podcast. “Not ever again! We’ll just have to buy Schick razors.”

Bohiggins was outraged over the commercial, which is titled “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be,” having an overarching theme of accepting the #MeToo movement, and encouraging men to embrace a cultural shift in what defines “masculinity.” The advert is viewed as a critique of what has been called toxic masculinity — the concept that too much of it can be damaging to the people around those who display those behaviors, as well as the men who are toxic in their masculinity.

Jethro rejects toxic masculinity’s existence and says Gillette’s commercial “cucks” every man in America.

“If we don’t let our children beat up the gay kids, those gay kids might end up thinking they’re made equal to the rest of us, and that sounds very un-American to me,” Bohiggins ranted. “Just think about it fam — where in America’s history have we ever implied that all of us are created equal? Sounds like commie-cuck-Democrat crap if you ask me!”

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Bohiggins calls himself a men’s rights activist and says he’s considering suing Gillette for what he calls “triggering an avalanche of anger, bitterness, and rage” that he felt when he saw it.

“I felt personally attacked! Here’s this commercial telling me if I don’t let my sons get socked in the nose, or don’t teach my kid to sock other kids in the nose, that I’m somehow not doing as much as I can to make the world a better place,” Bohiggins said. “Excuse me? Since when did turning a blind eye to abuse both physical and mental start making you a bad guy? That is fake news, fam!”

So from now on, Jethro said, he and Carol will only use Schick razors.

“One of our little things we like to do is shave her genitals down real smooth, so it reminds us of when we were kids and hooked up for the first time,” Jethro admitted. “But the next family reunion we have, I’m telling her flat-out, ‘We gotta use a different razor, cousin.’ I don’t think she’ll mind; she gets it. She’s not a commie-socialist-Democrat-sharia loving-cuck-snowflake. She’ll get why my feelings are so damaged over this assault on my way of life.

Watch Gillette’s commercial, below.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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