Adderall Will Officiallly Sponsor Trump’s Next Prime Time Border Address

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Shire Pharmaceuticals, the company that makes the drug adderall, has announced a new partnership this morning that is turning heads from Madison to Pennsylvania Avenues.

“Shire is extremely pleased to announce that one of our flagship drugs — adderall — will be an official sponsor of the next prime time address given by President Donald Trump,” the company writes in a press posting. “While we were very excited to see that the president had clearly been using our drug before his address, we felt it would be nice to make the relationship official.”

In a speech from the Oval Office lasting right around eight minutes, Trump made his case for why the government shouldn’t reopen until he receives the nearly $6 billion in funding for his border wall that he has demanded all along. House Democrats, who just took control of the lower chamber of Congress a few days ago, have shown no signs of weakening their resolve to deny Trump this funding. During the address, Trump seemed to breathe heavily and snort quite a bit.

“It was obvious that the president is a bigly fan of our product,” Shire’s announcement says. “But he also left a lot of room for speculation. Was he just high on blow, or was it our sweet, sweet adderall he was vacuuming up into his nostrils? This new sponsorship deal will put all those questions to bed.”

MORE: Trump Offers To Scratch Border Wall In Favor Of Giant Retractable Dome

President Trump was “immediately aroused” by the proposal presented to him by Shire last night, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said as she headed out of the White House for a hair, nail, and conscience removal appointment somewhere in the D.C. area.

“President Trump of course first and foremost cares about the country, or whatever he’s supposed to say,” Huckabee told reporters. “But he’s also always been bigly interested in his bottom line. When Shire said they’d give him a lifetime supply of adderall as part of the deal, he jumped at it. Well, you’ve seen him, so you know he didn’t jump. But he moved as quickly as I’ve seen him get up when Ivanka enters the room.”

Shire’s move freezes out the competition and keeps other companies from sponsoring Trump’s next address. Reportedly, KFC, Coca-Cola, and Karl’s Konfederate Krosses — the nation’s leading cross burning supply chain — all put in bids to sponsor the next address.

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This