Ivanka’s Never Been So Sure Her Dad’s Not Batman

“My first clue was that unlike Bruce Wayne, Daddy’s a billionaire who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. But then, yeah, the eating pussy thing.”

When you grow up with an allegedly wealthy father, who is supposed to be a billionaire, sometimes it can be difficult to know exactly what it is your dad does for a living. When you happen to live in Manhattan, the city that at least partially inspired Gotham City, with your supposedly rich father, whose business you’re not quite sure of, it’s perhaps understandable that you might, in your youth, fantasize about whether your dad is the Caped Crusader, Batman.

In a new interview on Fox Business this morning, former First Lady Ivanka Trump revealed that, for a short time as a child, she thought her father and former, one term, twice-permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump might have been Batman. By the time she was an adult, she was “pretty sure,” Ivanka divulged, that he wasn’t. However, a recent story in the headlines confirmed her suspicions above all doubt.

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“My first clue was that unlike Bruce Wayne, Daddy’s a billionaire who doesn’t care about anyone but himself,” Ivanka told Maria Fartinromo. “Daddy doesn’t have an empathetic bone spur in his body! So I was, like, already pretty sure he wasn’t Batman. But then, yeah, the eating pussy thing.”

Donald Trump “definitely” eats pussy, Ivanka said, though she was quite cagey when asked how she knows for sure.

“There are some things a daughter just finds out about her father,” Ivanka said, with just a hint of regret in her voice, “whether she wants to or not. Sometimes a daddy shows you things other daddies won’t show their daughters. Sometimes a daddy tells everyone he meets how much he wants to taste what you had for breakfast from south of the border, whatever that means.”

Ivanka explained that once DC Comics made it clear that Batman does not perform the act of cunnilingus, it permanently put the issue to bed for her. However, she did say she doesn’t think it’s “too far a stretch,” all things considered.

“I mean, both Bruce Wayne and Daddy’s fortunes are fabricated works of fiction, so I wasn’t that far off when you think about it,” Ivanka said. “But, no, I get it. There’s no way that Batman and Daddy are the same person. Now, Batman and David Dennison? That’s a whole other question I’m still trying to answer myself.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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