House Republican Explains Why Mocking And Attacking Survivors Of Gun Massacres Is Good For America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, massive marches were held in the nation’s capital and around the world in support of gun violence prevention. The March For Our Lives brought thousands of people out to protest the lack of major gun control legislation in the United States since the Columbine school shooting over twenty years ago. Even Paul McCartney made it to the New York march, citing the fact that he lost one of his “best friends,” the late John Lennon, to gun violence in that city almost 40 years ago.

While hundreds of thousands of people made it out for the marches all across the globe, right-wing pundits and commentators spent much of their time over the weekend either downplaying the significance of the marches, or even criticizing the marchers — some of whom are victims and survivors of school shootings — for attacking the Second Amendment, from their point of view.

Despite having the word “For” in its title, Fox News’ chief firebrand screeching, blonde, racist fuckmuppet Timmy Lahren knocked the protest because she said it’s “simply being anti-NRA,” telling protesters they should “march FOR something.”

Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), who has been a favorite target for the #NeverAgain movement’s student activists, said that “protest is good” in a tweet. However, Rubio also pointed out that while a ban on assault rifles has wide support, “others see it as infringement” on the Second Amendment. Rubio has repeatedly taken criticism for accepting millions of dollars in campaign contributions from the National Rifle Association.

This morning, House Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) was stopped as he entered the rotunda and asked about why conservatives have taken to treating the survivors of the Parkland shooting, and other shootings so harshly. Thompaulsen scoffed at the accusation.

“Oh, so we’re supposed to listen to people who have literally been shot at and seen their friends killed about laws that impact tools that shoot at and kill people? Not in this country, we don’t,” Thompaulsen said. “And it’s every patriot’s God given duty to defend their God given right to a gun vociferously and fiercely. Yes, even if that means mocking and ridiculing victims and survivors of horrific, violent attacks.”

Thompaulsen said that even those who insinuate that the Parkland survivors are merely “crisis actors” pretending to be victims of a shooting that didn’t happen are “doing work on behalf of the Founders, God, and liberty lobbing freedom cannons,” and should ultimately be commended.

“Maybe it’s fake news that Emma Gonzalez ripped up the Constitution in that video,” Thompaulsen conceded, “but is fake news that protects our precious guns really a bad thing, fam?”

In the end, Thompaulsen says that “decorum has to be thrown out” when guns are involved.

“The truth is that guns are so sacred, so very important, that decorum needs to be thrown out of the window when we discuss them. Making up stories about survivors is the most patriotic thing you can do,” Thompaulsen said, “and mocking them, while also also intentionally twisting their message, is what any good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, gay bashing, Muslim hating, Mexican deporting, abortion protesting, red meat eating, un-PC, non-cucked American patriot would do to protect the most important thing in the country — white people’s feelings, guns, and feelings about guns.”

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James‘ satire can also be read on Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, and Alternative Science.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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