WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump went farther than he ever has in admitting that Russia attacked the 2016 presidential election that he won, though he stopped short of placing any blame on the Kremlin, or Russian President Vladimir Putin specifically.
Heretofore, Trump has been quite noticeably reticent, and some might say hesitant, when it came to addressing what the international intelligence community has been calling a sustained, ongoing electronic attack on the fundamental democratic function of the nation. However, this morning, he admitted more fully than ever before that he agrees with the intelligence agencies’ assessments, though he did not offer any condemnation of Putin for them. Instead, he said that one person in particular deserves most of the blame because she left the country “open to attacks” by the Kremlin.
“What my guys are telling me, and remember I have the best guys, is that Sarah abandoning her backyard post left our country wide open to attacks from Russia,” Trump said bluntly. “And that’s just very honestly, bigly bigly sad.”
Trump was referring to former Vice Presidential candidate and half-term Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, who famously told Katie Couric in 2008 during her failed run with Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) for the White House on the Republican ticket that Alaska’s close proximity to Russia gave her expertise in foreign affairs. Trump says that after she made that comment, the U.S. government appointed her as the “first line of defense” against all Russian attacks, but that she didn’t report anything suspicious in 2016, and that left the country open for cyber attacks.
“Sarah Palin told us for a decade she could see Russia from her backyard, which is why the government made her the first line of defense against Russia,” Trump told various members of the press pool from the Oval Office. “She was supposed to keep an eagle eye on Russia from her back porch and report anything suspicious. And well, clearly she didn’t report a thing, and here we are now.”
Trump said that the government gave Palin all the tools she needed to do her job, but she still failed in executing her duties.
“We gave her a Speak N Spell and one of the most advanced combination microwave/cameras for spying,” Trump said. “Sarah still couldn’t deliver the goods. I don’t know if she just abandoned her post, or what, but we got attacked on her watch, folks.”
Ms. Palin, when reached for comment, called the criticism from Trump “ridiculous.”
“I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that Donald thinks it’s my fault Russia hacked us,” Palin said. “We all know I was kidding when I said all that stuff about Russia! Anyone with half a brain cell knows I suck at everything I do except looking pretty and saying horrific things out loud that most people would be ashamed of even thinking. Wait. Crapola! Did I just say that out loud? I can’t let the cat out of the bag!”
Palin began hitting herself with a hammer.
“Bad Sarah! Bad Sarah! Bad Sarah,” Palin shouted.
After sixteen good smacks on the noggin with the hammer, Palin seemed to be back to normal.
“Mom jeans! You betchya! Obummer! Death panels,” Palin said with smug satisfaction on her face. “Take that, Libtard Snowflakes! AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Somewhere, high in a tree in Alaska, a bald eagle ejaculated and the ghost of George Washington shed a single, solitary tear for the republic.