Gowdy Promises to Get to Bottom of Connection Between Manafort, Clinton, and Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the most tenacious and dogged members of congress has promised today to “never give up, rest, or quit until the various and obvious connections between Benghazi, Hillary Clinton, and Paul Manafort” are fully exposed. Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), who as the chairman of the House Oversight Committee oversaw an exhaustive inquiry into the deadly attacks in Benghazi, Libya in September of 2012, said that in his estimation “there are more connections between Hillary and Manafort than between Republican congressmen and male interns in capital hill bathroom stalls.”

“To me, now that we’ve seen Mr. Mueller’s first charges and who they were against, the first step is to figure out how it’s all Hillary Clinton’s fault,” Gowdy told reporters.

According to Gowdy, there is no possible way that Ms. Clinton is not involved in the Manafort Affair.

“Every good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing, gravy swilling, dead-eyed fake patriot Republican knows one thing — Hillary Clinton is literally Satan and Hitler mixed into one succubus of a demon whore,” Gowdy said, “and that is so far away from hyperbole I should probably win some kind of award and be granted immortality for it, because it’s literally the most intelligent thing anyone has ever said.”

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Rep. Gowdy did raise a caveat to his theory that Hillary Clinton is the center of a vast conspiracy to defeat herself in last year’s presidential election by colluding with Russia to have her own emails hacked, use them to fuel the rise of Donald Trump, and distract the country from focusing on Benghazi.

“There is a chance I am wrong about this, of course. I’m not perfect,” Gowdy admitted. “Because it’s entirely possible that this is actually the snowball rolling down the hill that turns into an avalanche that leads us to finding out this is all Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s fault somehow. Let us not forget that while Hildebeast Clintstoned is the Devil Incarnate, Barack HUSSEIN Obama is all that, but also black.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) has indicated he will give Gowdy the ability to run this new investigation into Clinton, Benghazi, Manafort, and potentially even one more deep state conspiracy.

“If we’re going to do this,” Ryan said at a press conference, “Then let’s do this right and finally make the connection between Hillary Clinton, Benghazi, Manafort, and 9/11. We all the Clinton Foundation cannot melt steel beams. So what else are they unable to do? Not be secret communist who hate America so much they want to run it so they can help poor people get healthcare and education? Exactly, friends.”

Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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