Ghoulish Narcissistic Con Man: “Who Gives a Fuck How Many People Die If My TV Ratings Are Good?!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tubby, ghoulish, narcissistic con man — who somehow managed to get access to America’s nuclear launch codes — held another daily press conference today and continued to express pride in the fact that the briefings are getting good TV ratings. The briefings, which some had mistakenly believed were to help keep the nation apprised of the federal government’s response to the COVID-19, or novel coronavirus, outbreak, have largely become a chance for the bloated, orange, lying D-list reality TV game show host to inflate his ego and accept praise heaped on him by sycophantic lapdogs pretending to be serious adults. But because the tiny-handed dick whistle in chief has a habit of dispensing unlicensed medical advice, false hope, and dangerous pleas to “reopen the country” and its economy, news networks have begun to stop carrying the pressers live.

In a truly unforeseen and uncharacteristic move, the whiny fat bitch cartoon villain in the Oval Office made use of a seldom-chosen means of complaining into the ether, his Twitter account, to express his frustration at having his ego stroke-fests broadcast on live TV.

During today’s briefing, the subject of his TV ratings was still very much at the forefront of what what he calls his “mind.” The binge-farting douchebag in charge of the country continued to bellyache that the “FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE PRESS” were trying to “newspaper coup” him by keeping his coronavirus briefings off the air until they’ve been vetted for lies, bullshit, and hilariously stupid or dangerous statements. But when a reporter asked him if he thought his focus should be more on the victims, especially those who have died from the virus, instead of his TV ratings, the corpulent cockwallet lashed out angrily.

Kellyanne Conway Says The Trump Economy Can ‘Easily Handle’ 17 Million Americans Filing For ‘Alternative Employment’

“You know what? That is such a mean, nasty, rude, and frankly traitorous question. I swear to Christ almighty if the Founding Cucks hadn’t stupidly created freedom of the press,” the failed businessman shouted, “I’d have you fucking arrested right here and right now. But the point is, there is literally nothing more important than my TV ratings. Without high ratings, my base will think I’m weak. If they think I’m weak, they might not want to turn out to vote for me. Hair-go, my ratings are important.”

His face started to redden, his voice went up in volume, and the white collar crook with a terrible comb-over wasn’t done shouting at the reporters in the room.

“You fucking assholes are all against me. You write your little bullshit stories, full of accurate quotes of my actual words,” he howled, “and you lie to the people by exposing my lies. My lies aren’t lies because I’m president, and Billy Barr says whatever I do is okay!”

He was so angry and shouting so hard that a loud, wet fart came bursting out of him.

“You want me to talk about the people who are dying? Is that what you want, you pieces of literal shit? Fine,” the moronic douche canoe shouted, “I’ll talk about them. Right now. Like this: who gives a fuck how many people die if my TV ratings are good?!”

The room fell quiet. No one could quite believe what they were hearing. The OANN and Breitbart reporters, however, started mutually masturbating each other. Shows of authoritarian bullying make them extremely turgid in their trousers, they’d explain later.

“So a few thousand people die, so what? Do you know how many people die every day in this country,” the dipshit asked rhetorically. “You don’t all get in my shit about everyone hit by a truck, or who chokes on a hot dog in a non-sexy, non-Ivanka way. So how come you give me shit about people dying from this thing, just because I got months of warning and did nothing? You are so so mean! And now I’m going to go stuff hamberders in my face and curse you all on the toilet!”

Trump Thanks Those Who Have Died From Coronavirus For Bumping Up His Briefings’ TV Ratings

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This