Gaetz: “Every Fetus Deserves a Fighting Chance to Become My Sex Object In 17 Years”

While the scandal surrounding him may not be showing any signs of subsiding just yet, Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) has shown no signs of pulling back from his very public persona. This morning, Rep. Gaetz spoke to a gathering of American evangelicals on the subject of abortion. Gaetz, fervently anti-abortion, blasted liberals for “not seeing the true value in every potential human life.”

“In this overly-woke, Antifa sponsored cancel culture we live in today,” Gaetz said, “it’s no surprise that so many on the left are for abortion. They are known for simply not seeing the true value in every potential human life.”

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As the applause wound down, Gaetz continued.

“We good, clean, ammo hoarding, melanin-free American patriots know that God himself wrote an entire chapter of the Bible about how bad abortion is,” Gaetz insisted, “but the liberals of that time made him take it out…CANCEL CULTURE, am I wright?”

Gaetz got big laughs, and pressed on.

“Call me crazy if you want. Call me a buffoonish clown who wouldn’t be anything if not for my rich daddy and his powerful connections,” Gaetz said with feigned self-deprecation, “but I am proudly pro-life. That’s because I know something deep in my bones.”

Rep. Gaetz paused here for effect, but also to take a massive swig from his flask which he pulled out from inside his suit jacket.

“I know that every fetus deserves a fighting chance to become my sex object in seventeen years,” Gaetz finished to thunderous applause. “Every pregnancy is a potential girlfriend for me, in just over a decade and a half. And if these shameless liberals don’t want to give those babies a real shot at being penetrated by me in exchange for money, trips, and gifts before they turn 20, then we prolly don’t live in America anymore!”

Congressman Gaetz swigged from his flask until it was empty, slammed it down on the ground, farted into the mic, and then faceplanted. At the time of publication, he was still snoring and farting in his sleep.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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