WASHINGTON, D.C. — While taking a stroll on the grounds of the White House this morning, the subject of farts and farting was weighing heavily on the man we’re still letting be president for some reason. First, Trump mentioned that he believes President Obama purposefully farted a lot on all the couches in the White House, and that’s why they all smart like farts even though he replaced all the Obama Era couches to “get the urban-ness out” of the White House. Once he was done pontificating on that subject, however, Trump pivoted to another flatulent subject — his former press secretary.
“Goddamn do I miss Sarah, let me tell you what,” Trump told reporters. “Not that I miss her farting, by God. She could really fart it up. Let me tell you. It was farts galore while she was here. Yep, we called her Old Farty Sarah McGee because she farted so much. She definitely was…was…the..farting one in the…White House.”
Mr. Trump was becoming uncharacteristically emotional. What could only be described as tears started to form in the corners of his eyes. He was undeniably sad, and expressed that sorrow.
“I’m sorry, I can’t continue this charade. It was me! They were my farts! The whole time,” Trump admitted, suddenly, “I was the one farting. It was like Wizard of Oz when the wizard pulls back the curtain and you realize it’s just the old man from before! Sarah is the curtain, I am the wizard, and my farts are the projection of the wizard’s face that everyone saw. It was all a lie, which obviously is the only lie I’ve ever told while president!”
President Trump divulged for the first time this morning that Huckabee Sanders ultimately got the job of press secretary after Sean Spicer vacated it because she was completely willing to let him blame every fart he ever farted on her.
“She just took it. Like a beaten dog, which is of course is ironic given her family’s been in the canine extermination industry for so long,” Trump mused. “Some nights I’d make the Secret Service guys go make a light night Taco Bell run for me and every burrito and Mexican pizza I’d eat, I’d think about how disgusting my farts would be the next day and smile. Because I knew as nightmarish as my rectal expulsion would be, Sarah would just calmly and quietly let me berate her for it. I admire that in a sycophant, you know.”
Trump continued his canine analogy a bit further.
“See, I never owned a dog. Dogs don’t like me. I don’t know why. They say dogs are loyal, kind, and loving to people who are capable of being the same way toward them,” Trump said, “but anyway, the point is, Sarah was like my little dog. My little, attentive, submissive, apologetic, amoral, principle free, gravy smothered dog. And as such, I blamed farts on her, as one does!”
Even though she’s been out of the White House for a few weeks now, Trump says he still likes to keep in touch with Huckabee Sanders.
“I started FedEx-ing her jars that I farted into, with a note instructing her to open the jars and sniff the farts,” Trump divulged, “and she has to do it. She signed the NDA when she came onboard with the administration, and the fine print of her contract states she has to smell my farts whenever I want for however long I want, possibly until I die, which will never happen. I’m immortal you know. Also I’m tan. And I’m a billionaire. And my hands are normal sized. And I could’ve totally won without Putin. And I don’t want to bang my — actually. We’ll stop there, before I say something I can’t walk back later.”
Huckabee Sanders could not be pulled away from her slop trough to comment on this story. If you have a problem with that last joke, please feel free to send a letter to one of the hundreds of brown babies Sarah helped your government kidnap, and maybe don’t clutch your pearls for swine? Just saying, “Fuck Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” that’s all. Is that enough fourth wall breaking meta bullshit?
Another Story: “I’m Tired Of These Baseless Smears On My Patriotism” McConnell Says Drenched In Putin’s Jizz
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”