Trump: Seven Perished Sailors in USS Fitzgerald Crash Died Defending His Electoral College Victory

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the Pentagon continues to sort out just what happened that could have led its destroyer, the USS Fitzgerald, to collide with a merchant vessel just days ago. temporary President Donald J. Trump made his first public remarks on the tragedy outside a short tweet. Trump’s tweet, seen below, was sent before the bodies of seven sailors were found in flooded berthing compartments aboard the Fitzgerald, and many were wondering if Mr. Trump would ever acknowledge the loss of life from the accident.

This morning, as he was leaving Dunkin’ Donuts to come back to the White House, Trump was stopped outside and asked about the tragedy, as well as the young men who lost their lives.

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“We’re all tremendously sad, and bigly broken hearted, about this tragic loss of life,” President Trump said between bites of his jelly-filled doughnut, “But make no mistake, those seven men died heroes. Because they died defending the most American of values — my Electoral College victory.”

Trump paused, reflecting for a moment.

“And they would’ve died defending my victory in the popular vote, too, if that Obama guy hadn’t let all the six trillion illegals into the country to vote in California,” Trump said emphatically.

The president explained that he didn’t want to “make it a ME thing,” but that he was confident that the seven men who perished did so “knowing they were laying down their lives for something much bigglier than all of us.”

“Well, biglier than most of you, I should say,” Trump said, “Because obviously since I won the election, and they died defending my enormous, massive Electoral College margin of victory, it’s really not possible for them to die for something biglier than me, is it? I am, like, the bigliest thing in the country right now.”

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President Trump announced in front of Dunkin’ Donuts that all seven sailors would receive the Purple Heart, but they would also receive a new posthumous award his administration “cooked up for people who show true fealty to Dear Leader.”

“Kellyanne convinced me that we should come up with our own, special award for men and women who die serving me, or you know, our country or whatever,” Trump said, “and I didn’t really care about it until she said we could put my name on it. Everyone knows I only care about things with my name on it, except my daughter Tiffany, obviously.”

The seven sailors lost in the USS Fitzgerald crash will each receive the Gilded Trump Award at a ceremony sometime next month. The award is just a piece of lesser quality milk chocolate wrapped in aluminum foil that’s then spray painted gold. President Trump, however, will tell the media it’s a real medal made of precious metals. The White House fully expects their base to believe it.

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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