WASHINGTON, D.C. — 51 year old Frank Ancona’s body was found this week, a gunshot wound in his head, near the Missouri river. Ancona was a grand wizard of the KKK. His stepson is considered a suspect in Acona’s shooting, and his wife is being accused of helping to dispose of his body. Late Monday afternoon, Sub-President Donald J. Trump made headlines and raised eyebrows all over the country when he signed an executive order directing the military to bestow a Purple Heart on Ancona, for his “service to the country he loved so much.”
“I was asked by President Bannon personally to do this,” Trump said as he was being handed the order by his chief of staff, Reince Priebus, “and it’s my absolute honor. I’m told that Mr. Ancona was so well-loved by his colleagues that they made him a grand wizard. That’s impressive, very impressive. I don’t even know that Dumbledore was a grand wizard; I think he was just the regular kind.”
Seeming to anticipate questions from the press, Trump gave some more background as to why he wanted Mr. Acnona to receive the Purple Heart posthumously.
“Look, for starters, he was a knight, okay,” Trump said, “and that’s a big thing. Very bigly. I know we’re not like friggin’ England Town Derryshire over here, but knights are still members of an army, aren’t they? I’ve even heard the KKK referred to as God’s army by klansmen my daddy used to introduce me to, so I don’t see what the big whoop is here, people.”
Trump said that no one in America should be surprised by this move, as “that’s how politics work these days.”
“Well, they did endorse me,” Trump said before asking rhetorically, “Did they not? I was always raised to believe you scratch the racist back of the racist who scratched your also, but lesser, racist back. I take care of my owns, know what I mean?”
When reporters started pressing Trump for more details on this decision, he started to get testy. One reporter asked point blank if Trump thought it send a good message to give an award to someone who is pretty much only famous because he was in a racist, terrorist organization and was murdered. Trump bristled.
“Some men die in a world war,” Trump mused, “and some men die in a civil war, and still others die in a self-deluded race war of their own imagination. Who is anyone to say which of those valiant heroes deserves a medal and who doesn’t?”
A spokesman for the joint chiefs of staff could not be reached for comment on this story.
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