WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since starting his first official week on the job as President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump — alleged billionaire and confirmed former reality-TV star — has signed a flurry of executive orders.
While some orders have been widely considered banal, like his order declaring his inauguration as a day of patriotic devotion. Others have drawn sharp, biting criticism such as his order paving the way to dismantle Obamacare and authorizing construction on the Dakota access pipeline. This morning at another signing ceremony, Trump signed yet another series of executive orders, and one in particular related specifically to him and his “presidential and appropriate” genitalia.
“This is,” Trump said while reading the executive order’s content to the press, “about my penis. There were many false, FAKE NEWS stories about the size of my hands and or penis during the campaign, and now that I am president, I am entitled to many, many things. Really, it’s true. My lawyers have told me that as president I can pretty much just point at shit and get what I want. Anyway, one of the things I’m entitled to is facts, or as we like to call them around here, alternative facts. This order’s about setting the record alternatively straight.”\
President Trump said that it’s “rude, nasty, and distracting” to turn on the TV and be “constantly bombarded with jokes and rumors” about the size of his hands, and what that must mean for the size of his “weener dangle,” as he referred to it.
“Do you folks know how hard it is to concentrate on my job when I think there are people out there talking shit on my weener dangle,” Trump asked rhetorically, “no matter how many times Ivanka or Wife Three tells me it’s a good size, it doesn’t matter because some smart ass in the lamestream press is cackling about how tiny it has to be.”
So, Trump said, his order will make it so the United States government officially recognizes his penis as “straight, effective, and completely normal sized.”
“As of today, once I sign this order,” Trump said, “the government will officially consider my schlong straight, effective, and completely normal sized. Which means any douchebag comedian out there who goes and makes a joke about my hands or dick will be breaking libel and slander laws. Speaking of which, the next executive order I have here will make it illegal to mock me. The first amendment may cover free speech, but with me, nothing is free except the labor to build my hotels.”
At a press conference later White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters it’s “just so demoralizing to not have people believe the president’s claims that his penis is normal in every way.” Spicer said that several options were weighed to dispel the rumor, which Trump feels could harm him on the international stage. But ultimately, they felt the executive order was the “most expedient way to get the alternative facts out three.”
“The president is entitled to believe whatever he wants about his penis,” Spicer said, “no matter what the Russian tapes might…I’ve said too much. Have a great day everyone.” And Spicer ran off into the White House, stuffing piece after piece of cinnamon gum in his mouth as he did.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.