Emperor Palpatine Defends Attorney General Vader’s Use of Stormtroopers in Portland

CORUSCANT — As protests mount throughout the galaxy, Emperor Sheev Palpatine has maintained a public tone of righteousness and self-assurance. The protests have begun to spring up on one planet in particular, Earth, in response to Palpatine’s Attorney General — Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith — using a garrison of unidentified stormtroopers to arrest citizens in Portland.

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“Of course, while everything is truly proceeding as I have foreseen it, I am not omnipotent, yet,” Palpatine said with a wan grin in a recorded hologram message sent to the entire galaxy under his control. “There are certain pitiful bands of rebels scattered throughout the galaxy, and they are causing violent property damage that I instructed Lord Vader to put a stop to, immediately. Even if it means wiping them out; all of them.”

Protests began across the United States, a country located on a continent in North America, when video of a law enforcement officer killing a man by kneeling on his neck for almost nine full minutes made it onto galactic news broadcasts. America is a country that almost 250 years after its founding is still trying to repair deeply rooted systemic racism that stems from the centuries of chattel slavery that the country’s southern, agrarian economy was built on. African Americans have long fought and struggled for true equality both socially and legally, and watching a white police officer kill yet another unarmed black man was too much for some Americans, and protests started more than 50 days ago.

“Vader was just trying to re-establish Imperial law and order! So he sent a garrison of our best troops to quell the uprising, as is perfectly legal given my emergency imperial powers,” Palpatine explained. “Quite frankly, they’re lucky he didn’t bring in a squad of Death Troopers.”

Palpatine warned that Attorney General Vader may “increase the punishments dramatically” for people who vandalize public property or otherwise protest his rule in any way, shape, or form.

“If there are some in Portland who believe they can flout my authority, or that they have some kind of unalienable right to speak out against me,” Palpatine said gravely, “they will find that it is they who are mistaken, about a great many things. If Attorney General Vader sees fit, he will increase the punishments dramatically, and make no mistake about it. Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side.”

In the Imperial Senate, one of Palpatine’s most loyal senators showed strong support for the Emperor’s use of force in Portland.

“I don’t see what the big deal is about roughing up a few rebel scum,” Sen. Ted Cruz, a parasite that helps clean Hutt’s butthole’s in a symbiotic relationship, told galactic reporters today. “We cannot allow these reckless Jedi and non-Dark Side followers to destroy our property and shred our glorious heritage! All hail Emperor Palpatine! Who cares if he said my dad tried to help kill Count Dooku! Who cares if he called my wife an ugly piece of Bantha poodoo! ALL HAIL EMPEROR PALPATINE!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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