DUMLANDIA, NEW YORK — The president’s third smartest male crotch fruit, Donald Trump Jr., is reportedly on pins and needles, awaiting the results of genetic bone spur tests he had done at a New York hospital yesterday. Reps for Trump Jr. say that he requested tests to determine if he has inherited his father’s bone spurs in his heels and feet “for no reason in particular.”
“It’s definitely not because he’s totally petrified at the thought of having to serve in his father’s upcoming war with Iran,” Trump Jr’s publicist wrote in an email to several news outlets. “While Donald Junior understands that past sons of politicians such as Beau Biden — have served in the military, even in warzones, in the past, he knows his father would never make any such requests of him, mostly because his father still barely acknowledges Don’s existence, and mostly refers to him as ‘Not Ivanka Male Son One.'”
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Late this week, Junior’s father, President Donald J. Trump, ordered the assassination of one of Iran’s top military brass, Qassem Soleimani. Response on the Hill to the killing of Soleimani has been mixed at best. Democrats have said that he certainly posed a danger to national security, and was classified as a terrorist, which allowed Trump to order the drone strike that ended his life. They worry, however, that such a move is a significant escalation of hostilities, and could easily lead to retaliatory attacks from Iran, which has already vowed to avenge Soleimani’s death. Republicans, when asked about the strike, were cautious to move the president’s genitals within their mouth to a place that would allow them to speak as intelligibly as possible.
“Well, obviously war with Iran is a great and glorious thing,” Senator Lindsey Graham said, pushing Trump’s phallus aside so he could articulate his thoughts better. “I’ve been wanting to go to war with Iran for decades, and I’m only sad that my good friend John McCain’s not here to witness this moment. I’m sure his war boner would be so turgid, he and Trump could sign a peace treaty between them on it.”
Donald Jr. had decided to get himself tested for genetic bone spurs months ago, his team claimed.
“Donald Jr. is the bravest man to ever live, except of course for his daddy, who is the most bravest man,” Junior’s reps wrote. “Why would he need to do anything to get out of going into a warzone, if needed? Anyone who knows Don Jr. knows his skill with a rifle. As long as he can pay someone to pen up and tire out Iranian soldiers like the animals he hunts, Donald Jr. is confident he’d become the country’s greatest marksman ever.”
President Trump famously used his bone spurs as a reason to defer being drafted during the Vietnam War. Then citizen Trump got multiple deferments. This lack of military experience, however, did not keep Republican voters, who are traditionally hawkish and pro-military, from voting for him. President Trump has said on multiple occasions he considers himself to be a great military mind, and has even implied he has more knowledge on that front than the generals and joint chiefs of staff of the U.S. Armed Forces.
“Donald Jr. just wanted to have himself tested, in case he needs special shoes one day because of bone spurs,” wrote Junior’s publicist, “and sure, if it happens to be that his bone spurs kept from being able to serve in the military, he would grudgingly accept that decision. However, the world should know how stunningly brave this man he is. Any implication that he had the tests done to get out of military service infers that he’s so dumb he can’t even come up with his own fake ailment as an excuse, and who in their right mind would call any Trump dumb? They’re clearly the smartest family in our nation’s history.”
Eric Trump, the president’s middle son, is apparently also getting tests on his feet done, too, but for a different condition.
“I don’t get why my sperms would be in my feet, because my jiggly-bits are in my pants,” Eric was overheard shouting on the streets of Manhattan last night, “but Daddy said I have to go get myself tested for boner sperms in my feet, and I always do what Daddy tells me to, even if it means stealing money from kids with cancer.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.