Trump Orders DeVos to Hire Breitbart and InfoWars to Revise History Textbooks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the Department of Education announced that it would begin contracting with two right-wing media outlets to help shape history textbooks for classrooms starting in 2019.

“This morning, Co-President Trump, having gotten permission first from Real President Bannon,” Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said in a written statement, “directed the Department of Education to reach out two media outlets he said he considers to be run be ‘great guys’ who ‘totally get it,’ and to have them begin the process of revising our schools’ history texts.”

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Ms. DeVos’ statement indicates that InfoWars’ chief writer and host Alex Jones will be tasked with rewriting all U.S. History books, while Breitbart publishing, which used to be run by Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon, will handle all history pertaining to countries outside the U.S. InfoWars and Breitbart will focus on making the history texts “America first, accuracy second.”

“Is a fact really factual,” DeVos asks in her statement, “if it doesn’t cast America in a good light? Does it really do our children any good for them to have nuance and reality shown to them, when all the studies we’ve seen show that kids who only go to school on Sundays, and who are not given anything remotely close to the full details of any subject, do really quite well later in life. They vote for Republicans and everything, you guys.”

Jones addressed the news on his show, saying he was “so excited [he] might just go out and buy a new tinfoil hat” to celebrate. Jones said his work would emphasize “disabusing sheeple” of the idea that the Civil War was “in any way, shape or form even remotely related to slavery.” Instead, Jones will have children taught the “real truths about the War of Northern Aggression led by the Tyrant Abe Lincoln.”

“Well teach children to judge Lincoln as a war monger,” Jones said, “and the best part is we won’t even throw valid criticism at him for thinking every African should have been sent to Liberia after the war! I mean, why would we criticize a policy that our president would support today? Finally, children in this country will hear the truth — that slavery wasn’t even really a thing in this country, and even if it was, the Civil War was not really about that it in anyway. Not even the letters of secession from the states that largely name slavery as their core reason for leaving actually show us that it was about slavery.”

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Secretary DeVos explained in her letter that she understands some people might be alarmed by these changes, but that ultimately they help her department fall “right in line” with Trump and Bannon’s visions for America.

“Obviously this administration plans to have a very alternative grasp on the facts and history,” DeVos’ statement reads, “So we feel this move puts us right in line with the co-president’s vision.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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