Betsy DeVos Wants Tithing Plates to Replace Public School Fundraisers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy DeVos attended a D.C. area middle school’s award ceremony this week, and afterwards she took questions from reporters about a new proposal her Department of Education is set to make in the coming weeks.

“Since becoming Secretary of Education solely on the merits of my career as a charter school advocate and not at all the millions and millions of dollars my family has shoveled into the pockets of Republicans over the years,” Ms. DeVos told reporters, “I’ve been shocked to find out many of our public schools still have to hold various fundraisers to get the things for their students they need.”

DeVos said she heard that schools sell wrapping paper and sweet treats at Christmas, Valentine’s Day cards, Halloween gift baskets, and many other items in an effort to supplement their budgets. Secretary DeVos says she and her closest advisers worked in conjunction with Vice-President and American Pope Mike Pence to craft a program that they hope will alleviate the need for schools to hold so many fundraisers.

“My education department believes in working smarter, not harder,” DeVos said, “and in the views of both myself and Vice Pope-ident Pence, there is nothing smarter than giving it up to God, and letting his steady hand steer the ship.”

In the coming weeks, DeVos intends to order millions of tithing, or offering plates, that she said each public school can use during “assemblies and mandatory prayer times” in lieu of any other fundraising efforts.

“It’s just too much to ask our children to learn and also sell things to support their education,” DeVos said, “and they should be focusing only on learning! So that’s why it’s time to leave it up to God how much schools get and what kids are exposed to as a result. Put out those offering plates, school administrators, and let the spirit of the Lord move your parents and faculty to give, give give!”

Ms. DeVos said she’s not opposed to having all funding for school grants stripped from the federal budget and let the tithing plates fund them completely. However, she said that plan would come as part of a second phase of educational reform, and she’s not ready to make any announcements yet. She did say there would be an economic benefit if they chose to fund schools in such a way.

“Rich people’s economic standing would improve,” DeVos said, “so maybe not everyone’s economy would improve. But we all know what happens when the rich have an abundance of money, right? No, it doesn’t trickle down. We keep more of it. But still, you want that to happen for us, don’t you? What kind of jerks wouldn’t be happy for people making more money?”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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