DeSantis Bans Depictions of Nude Baby Jesus in Florida

Just hours after a Tallahassee school principal was fired because parents complained their children were exposed to one of the most famous statues in human history, Governor Ron DeSantis has used that incident as justification to ban any and all depictions of a nude Baby Jesus in the Sunshine state.

At Tallahassee Classical School this week, principal Hope Carrasquilla was ousted when some parents took offense to their child seeing images of Michelangelo’s David. An argument could be reasonably made that David is the most recognizable statue on the face of the planet. The subject of the statue is a boy the Bible says slayed a giant with just his sling and some rocks, and who eventually went on to become King David of Israel. At a press event this morning, DeSantis announced that he was using Carrasquilla’s firing as the inspiration to sign a new executive order.

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Starting Monday, all depictions of the Baby Jesus within Florida’s state lines must show him wearing “some kind of clothing,” according to the new order. We spoke to Jeremy Estupidoputo, a press officer for the DeSantis administration, about the governor’s latest attack on free expression in Florida.

“Governor DeSantis is laser focused on the issues that need the most attention in his constituents’ lives,” Estupidoputo told us. “Not inflation, opiate addiction, or anything like that, though. The governor knows what people need most is to have their kids protected from inappropriate content.”

Mr. Estupidoputo told us that Governor DeSantis believes there is a commonality between images of the Baby Jesus and in Michelangelo’s David which justify his edict.

“Both King David and the Baby Jesus are characters in the Bible. And the Bible is the only book that has blanket approval from the governor’s office to be on school shelves,” Estupidoputo explained. “Therefore, we have a duty to make sure that everything in and related to the Bible be above board, and family-friendly. That’s why Governor DeSantis wants David to put on a loin cloth, and Baby Jesus to get a diaper on.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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