Disney Tells DeSantis They’ll Get Tough on Groomers and Bans Evangelical Christians From Park

In a letter to Gov. Ron DeSantis sent this afternoon via special courier, the Walt Disney Company announced that evangelical Christians are no longer welcome at Disney World, at least while DeSantis is governor.

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The letter from Disney to DeSantis indicates that the entertainment and theme park monolith does not want to discriminate against anybody, however now they also understand how much DeSantis wants to be tough on “groomers.” That juxtaposition put Disney in a place where it was necessary, they say, to ban evangelical Christians from Disney World. Gov. DeSantis threatening the special status that Disney enjoys in Florida was the catalyst, the letter states.

Disney’s letter to DeSantis, verbatim, follows.

Governor DeSantis,

The Walt Disney Company has decided, after much deliberation, to extend an olive branch to your regime. We have come to understand that you are not unlike one of our many classic cartoon villains. You are motivated by ego and power, and are keen to do anything you can to bolster that ego while usurping more and more power.

We must admit, that at first we were taken aback by a pro-business Republican dictating our business to us. Then we remembered that Republicans are pro-whatever-owns-the-libs now. As such, we are willing to deal with where we are, not where we thought we were.

It has come to our attention that your Don’t Say Gay law, while totally an attempt to marginalize and otherize LGTBQ teachers and students, the law is  — in your mind — not about that, even though that’s literally what the law does. We’ve come to understand your position better, and that you are all about being hard on “grooming” and “groomers.” Any close, personal friend of Congressman Matt Gaetz could easily be expected to hold such strong views on grooming.

As a side note, we were not surprised to find out that MAGA Americans are anti-grooming, but apparently not worried about general hygiene as their overall odor would otherwise indicate.

Given how anti-grooming you are, and given that we want to keep our special tax status in your state, we have decided to take an equally hard line on groomers, and will no longer allow them in our parks. Starting tomorrow, no Evangelical Christian American can enter Disney World. If ever there was an organization that preys on the young and vulnerable, and depends on them to continually grow their ranks, it’s The Disney Channel.

But, also, Evangelical Christians. 

If we are to be tough on groomers in Florida, then we sadly must make sure the people who groom young children for indoctrination into a cult that believes in virgin births and non-consensual spirit rape are not allowed near impressionable children. Disney cannot and will not be a party to indoctrinating children to any cult, unless of course it’s the cult of M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.

Keep in mind, though, that’s a different kind of cult, a capitalist cult (which we really thought Republicans cared about most, by the way). The worst our cult does is the cultist spends thousands of dollars a year on our Chinese made merchandise. However, people who become members of the evangelical cult are far more dangerous to a healthy, functioning democracy, and have proven they’re even willing to attempt insurrections when they lose.

We’ve also come to find out that grooming in Evangelical circles is so widely accepted that they even have special classes they attend, every Sunday, specifically for the purposes of grooming and indoctrinating children into a cult! We know that you, Gov. DeSantis, are as shocked and outraged by that kind of grooming as we are. As such, we are positive that you will agree our decision to bar American Christians from Disney World is really in everyone’s best interest.

Warmest Regards,

M. Mouse


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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