Cruz Withholding 2024 Endorsement Until He Hears Every Candidate’s Stance on His Ugly Wife

Though the next presidential election is still over a year away, the machinations involved in selected the two major parties’ nominees has already begun in earnest.

This week, President Joe Biden officially announced he was running for re-election, and he made his announcement within days of Robert Kennedy Jr, whose own father was assassinated on the 1968 campaign trail. Democrat Marianne Williamson also announced recently that a crystal she pulled from her rectum had directed her to seek the Democratic nomination again this year, after failing to garner much support in 2020.

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The side that most people are anxiously watching, however, is the Republican Party, which makes sense given the power struggle within it. Most assume that Donald Trump will be back to push for his record setting, historic third popular vote loss. But others wonder if the GOP is ready to move on and put a new face on the familiar Christofascism that is their brand.

The subject of endorsements has been gaining a lot of attention as some wonder if Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will join Nikki Haley in challenging Trump. Eyebrows have been raised by more and more Florida Republicans endorsing Trump, not their governor, for the 2024 nomination. Pundits are now looking to other elected Republicans for a signal as to who they’ll support this time around.

We reached out to Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and asked his press office who, if anybody, he’ll be endorsing this year. A media representative told us that Cruz is “quietly but patiently deliberating” on that subject, and there’s something he needs to see from each candidate before he knows which one he wants to be president.

“The senator understands there are a lot of factors that go into a presidential endorsement. But at the end of the day,” Todd Tigglesby, Cruz’s media contact, told us in our Skype interview, “Senator Cruz wants to hear how each candidate stands on the most important issue of the day — his wife’s looks.”

Mr. Tigglesby told us that his boss became acutely aware of how ugly his wife is during the 2016 campaign season, and it’s been a key issue for him ever since.

“Senator Cruz endorsed President Trump in 2020 because in 2016, the would-be president was the only one brave enough to tell it like it is, and label Heidi as ugly,” Tigglesby explained. “Up to that point, Senator Cruz wasn’t even aware his wife was ugly, but he’ll never forget how important it was for former President Trump to rip that particular Band-Aid off.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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