Appeals Court: If Ted Cruz is Fertile, the Abortion Pill Should Be Legal

Last week, a federal judge invalidated the FDA’s approval of mifepristone, a so-called “abortion pill.” Though it has been on the market for years, and is considered by the medical community to be a safe drug, the judge in question — a conservative, Trump-appointed judge — was able to put mifepristone’s legal status in peril.

A three judge panel on an appeals court, however, has at least temporarily halted the judge’s order. In a blistering opinion, the judges ruled unanimously that in a world where Ted Cruz can make babies, it is vital that women be allowed to abort their pregnancies. A short selection from the judge’s opinion follows.

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“It’s beyond comical that one judge would think he has the power to stop a federal agency tasked with making decisions about which drugs to approve for all Americans, but this ruling is also quite terrifying. Imagining a world where Ted Cruz is still fertile, and capable of spawning with any burning cross draped in a confederate flag that he so chooses, but where women were not able to abort those pregnancies is a nightmarish dystopia that we cannot sigh-off on. We’d suggest that the ban on mifepristone could stay if Mr. Cruz agreed to be castrated, but Mrs. Heidi Cruz — the one former President Trump identified as ugly — has confirmed Ted already hasn’t had balls since he gave them to Trump in 2016, so we’re at a bit of an impasse here, and must invalidate the order.”

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That’s a fair point, if you think about it. prochoice #roevwade #satire #abortion #politics #politik #tedcruz

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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