WASHINGTON, D.C. — To many outside observers, it appears that President Donald Trump is “over” the COVID-19 pandemic. Long gone are the times of daily press conferences from his coronavirus task force, and whenever he speaks of the pandemic now, it’s always in terms of opening the country’s economy back up. Trump’s been making a rather public attempt to shift to election campaign mode, just over four months away from a showdown with Democratic nominee Joe Biden, and many of his critics have been only commenting that he doesn’t seem to even care about COVID-19’s toll on Americans, outside of his election chances.
This morning, sources within the administration began speaking anonymously to outside media outlets. Reportedly, within the White House there’s a growing acknowledgment that at the very least the president is giving off an impression of nonchalant disregard of the novel coronavirus. Apparently, the situation is dire enough that an urgent meeting without President Trump’s presence was held in the White House kitchen’s pantry, and it was determined that the staffer he trusted the most would try what they called a “desperate gambit” to reignite Trump’s passion for stopping the spread of COVID-19.
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“Early this morning, a group of us pulled ourselves into the pantry cupboard and talked about how the president is losing his grip on the pandemic messaging,” an anonymous source told us via Skype today. “Since I’m the one Daddy — excuse me, President Daddy — trusts most, we decided I’d be the one to try something to get him fired back up again about COVID. Phew! I almost blew my cover, and Daddy only likes me blowing one very small, extremely wrinkled, bent and mangled thing!”
According to our source, they attempted to convince President Trump to care about COVID again by lying to him. Admittedly, our source says that lying to the commander in chief “isn’t ideal.” However, watching the president’s polling numbers slide further and further behind Biden “made everyone extremely aware” of just how much Trump needed to change his tone toward the outbreak.
“So we decided that the best way to get him re-engaged was to tell him that Obama came up with the idea for the coronavirus,” the anonymous source divulged, “and that’s what I did. I walked into the Oval Office and said, ‘Daddy, excuse me! President Daddy! Did, you, um, like hear the news? It turns out that Obama started the coronavirus, and that Crooked Hillary told him to go ahead and unleash it on everyone!'”
But even that didn’t seem to move the needle much, the anonymous source told us.
“Something must really be off with him, though, because usually when I just mention the previous BLACK administration, it gets his blood boiling so hot I have to let him make out with me a little to let off some of the steam,” our source said, “but I got nothing out of him. He barely acknowledged me!”
The president’s team is undeterred, though, and our source says they’ve come up with a couple more ideas to try and shake the president back into action.
“We’re gonna tell him that the coronavirus told him he can’t grab people by the pussy anymore,” the source said. “He hates being told what to do ever since his mom and dad raised him to believe he’s entitled to be as big a twatwaffle as he wants to be. If that doesn’t work, we’re going to tell him that the Supreme Court has ruled if he stops COVID-19, he gets to be president forever. It’s worth a shot, anyway.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.