COVID-19 Desperately Googling “How to Prevent Being Drugged and Date Raped”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s something that COVID-19 was sure it would never have to worry about, but now it’s all it can think about. Upon finding out that Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh would be spending some very close, personal, intimate time with it, COVID-19 reportedly began an immediate and desperate Google search.

How to prevent being drugged and date raped

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Several sources with knowledge of the situation have confirmed that COVID-19 has indeed been desperately searching for ways to ensure it does not become a victim of sexual assault. During a brief Skype interview, we were able to ask COVID-19 why it decided it was necessary to find the information it’s seeking. In a nutshell, spending so much time close to, as COVID-19 said, “the newest sexual predator on the Supreme Court,” is what brought about the mad scramble for ways to stay safe, sober, and un-raped.

“I mean, we all watched his confirmation hearing, right? I don’t think I’m being paranoid here,” COVID-19 told us. “Maybe I’ll be lucky because I’m not a young co-ed, but I just don’t trust the guy. He’s creepy as fuck. Look at those dead, soulless eyes. The only time you saw any life in them is when he was crying about being asked whether or not he tried to drug and rape women as if it’s our fault that women remembered that’s exactly what he tried to do.”

While many have shown support for COVID-19’s efforts to keep itself safe from Kavanaugh’s drunken advances, one U.S. Senator has been deeply critical.

“This is just more evidence of the creeping influence of George Soros’ Antifa Cancel Culture Squad on American life,” Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) told reporters today. “I remember a time when being sexually harassed and assaulted by a sitting Supreme Court Justice — or a future one for that matter — was considered a patriotic duty. Apparently times really are changing, and not at all for the better.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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