‘CNN Is Fake News!’ Screams Man Loading His Rifle While Entering Accused Pedophile Pizza Joint

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Matt Ricci is 32-years old and considers himself conservative politically. He is a daily subscriber to “Lowder with Crowder,” and says he reads at least ten or eleven articles on Breitbart News a day. Recently, while visiting the nation’s capital in preparation for President-Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, Ricci decided he was going to investigate a pizza restaurant in the D.C. area that has been at the center of “Pizzagate,” a conspiracy-fueled story that has been circulating around right-wing circles for weeks.

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“Obviously the lame stream liberal press is blacking out the Pizzagate story,” Ricci told our reporter, “because libtarded Americans everywhere somehow think it’s less important than the possibility of our incoming president being at the beck and call of Vladimir Putin because Russia’s got serious dirt on Trump. But I’m not buying into that bullshit, man.”

Ricci says that he decided to investigate Comet Pizza, the restaurant that is accused by fringe right-wingers of being a front for a pedophile ring run by John Podesta and covered-up by Hillary Clinton, while he was in town for the inauguration. He also decided, he says, to exercise his “natural, God given right to bear arms” and protect himself while in the restaurant, and he brought his AR-15 Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle with him.

While loading the rifle, Ricci told our reporter that he was proud of President-Elect Trump’s press conference and how Mr. Trump handled a reporter from CNN. 

“That was fuckin’ great man,” Ricci said, “scumbag liberal press. What, they think the constitution protects their right to ask questions and report on what they find? Bullshit. CNN is fake news!”

We asked Ricci what he meant by fake.

“You know, false, lies,” he replied.

Our reporter asked him what CNN reported that was false, and he said, “everything and anything that they put on their airwaves.” The interviewer pressed Ricci for specifics, and some evidence he had that CNN fabricated any stories.

“Well of course I don’t have any evidence,” Ricci admitted, “because the liberal press are all buddy-buddy and they cover each other’s tracks. It’s all being covered up. That’s why I get my news from Breitbart. They don’t filter anything. If the reporter can think it, they print it. They’re like a satire site except they’re trying to actually make think what they write is true instead of making hyperbolic and obviously fictitious stories up to make a point with a comedic edge, which of course we all know is the difference between propaganda and satire, right?”

But, Ricci says, he has an even more specific idea of what “fake news  is.”

“Anything I don’t like or want to hear,” Ricci said, “because I figure if I wanted to hear it, it’d sound like truth in my ears.”

Ricci was later arrested outside the Comet Pizza when the restaurant’s manager saw him approaching with his rifle slung around his back. Ricci got in a minor shootout with police who said his white skin tone made it clear that they could simply wait for him to stop shooting and take him in alive. He’s currently awaiting arraignment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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