HOBART, ARKANSAS — Wearing his favorite “Fuck Your Feelings” Trump 2016 t-shirt, Clem O’Connell ripped into Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama during the first segment of his right-wing oriented podcast, I’m Biased But I’m Right So Kiss My Tits.
“You know I ain’t never gonna lie to you, fam,” Clem told his audience. “So if I tell you that I have heard secondhand from a source that knows a guy whose uncle’s cousin’s girlfriend’s dog washer’s brother who has an old high school classmate in the Navy, and they said that Benghazi was a cover-up of Moochelle’s gender reassignment surgery, which was paid for with American currency that specifically had ‘In God We Trust’ replaced with ‘Islam Forever,’ then you know it’s reliable info.”
Clem took a sip from his Miller Genuine Draft and continued.
“Crooked Hillary is very clearly and obviously a deep state operative,” Clem said. “She has a literal hit list she has personally murdered at least six thousand people from. She’s also a weak, frail, war mongering bitch. Fuck HITLERY CLINT-STONED! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!”
Lighting up a Marlboro, Clem said he needed to “switch topics” because he was “getting too heated.”
“Oh, let’s talk about that horrific, disrespectful alleged comedy routine at the White House Correspondents dinner,” Clem said. “I can see now why our dear president stayed away. It’s just nastiness and meanness coming out of libtarded libtards these days, isn’t it? That comedian moved on poor Sarah Huckabee and Kellyanne Conway like they were bitches! You can tell why liberalism is a mental disorder, and she’s un-American, baby killing, drug snorting Commie Cuck!”
Mr. O’Connell says that comedian Michelle Wolf’s set, in which she lambasted Democrats, Republicans, Congress, the media, President Trump, and his administration, was the “most disrespectful pile of garbage ever spewed at a president in the history of the country.”
“Ms. Wolf is very lucky she didn’t do this insipid routine during that Secret Kenyan Communist Nig – er I mean URBAN — president’s terms,” Clem said. “Obummer would have had her rounded up and put in a FEMA camp where she would have to get impregnated in a gay marriage only to be forced into an abortion performed by a Muslim cleric who is an illegal Mexican! It’s just truth, fam, and you know it!”
Clem says he’s “sick and tired” of liberals not respecting conservative feelings.
“How dare they? They act as if they watched us mock them, ridicule their worldviews, lie about their leaders, and make up ridiculous conspiracy theories explaining why they aren’t legitimate election winners,” Clem said. “Like we’d ever do that! We ONLY tell the truth! And this vile bitch of a woman goes and hurts Sarah’s feelings and Kellyanne’s too?”
Worked up, Clem said he needed another beer and lit another cigarette.
“Mean words are not okay! Not directed at a Republican administration they’re not! It’s in the Constal-Toochin, I’m sure of it,” Clem screamed. “Okay, gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, I’ll be discussing whether or not Podesta’s secret pedophile ring is why Wolf gave her diatribe, or if it was to cover up the Jade Helm operation in which Obummer was going to force us all to listen to gang-star rap and smoke the Devil’s weed.”