JUMTHAGUN, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Last night and this morning, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg has declared himself the winner of the Iowa caucus, despite the fact that official results haven’t been released yet. But Mayor Pete as he’s affectionately known by his supporters, wasn’t done declaring himself the winner of things that may or may not have happened quite yet.
“Last night, we totally, like for sure for real won the Iowa caucuses,” Buttigieg told a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, “and today, I was just informed that we won the general election! Go ahead, go crazy folks! We won! We did it! Go us!”
Cheers erupted, and Mayor Pete stood and basked in them. However, when the cheers had died down, someone in the crowd did some mental calculations and had a question for Buttigieg. Timidly, the young woman raised her hand, and stood there politely, waiting to be called on. Finally, Buttigieg saw her, and asked if she had a question.
“Um, yeah, I was just wondering, and maybe you already said so excuse me if so,” the young woman began, “but, isn’t the election not for another nine months? Or did they change the rules and make it so that the Iowa caucuses, which we all agree you totally and completely 100% authentically won, count as the whole shebang this year?”
“No, the big election is still in the fall, this November in fact,” Buttigieg answered, “but, we won it. Already. It’s over. We won. Totally and fully-full-on won. Amazing, isn’t it?”
More cheers. Buttigieg once more took in the throng of supporters’ adulation. Still, though, the young lady wasn’t quite satisfied and raised her hand again. With a small sigh, Buttigieg called on her again.
“Well, okay, but, um, how’s that even possible? Did you guys invent time travel or something,” the woman asked. “Because otherwise, I don’t get how you can say you’ve already – ”
Mayor Pete politely but firmly cut her off.
“Let me just politely but firmly cut you off right there,” Buttigieg began. “Just slow your roll, okay? There’ll be time to figure out all the questions like that. For now, just hear the words coming out of my mouth. I won. We won, really. All of us.”
But that wasn’t enough, either.
“Okay, still, though, why are you campaigning here in New Hampshire if you’ve already won the whole thing? That doesn’t make sense to me,” the woman said.
Buttigieg gave her a nice smile.
“You sure do like to talk a lot. But that’s fine. I’m Mayor Pete. Perfectly Plastic Pete. I’m not offended by your questions,” Buttigieg assured the woman. “But, oh, what’s this? I’m getting word from someone offstage that none of are are at an angle to see…and…yup. I just won the New Hampshire primaries! You guys don’t even have to vote if you don’t too!”
Another roar from the crowd. Once more, Mayor Pete took it all in. The same woman raised her hand, but this time Buttigieg just ignored her and kept on going.
“And, if I’m not mistaken…yup, yup,” Buttigieg went on, “I just won the primaries in Delaware, Rhode Island, and what’s this? Oh, all of them? I just won all of them? That’s amazing news, everyone! I just won every — wait! There’s more! I just…I just won every election ever! Past, present, future! I won them all! Go me! Yay me! Go me! Yay me!”
Sparks started shooting out of his ears. Technicians quickly ushered Buttigieg offstage and started quickly changing out fuses, wires, and connectors. At the time of publication he was being rebooted with a fresh patch on his operating system.
The Iowa Democratic Party has said it will be releasing at least partial results from the caucus at some point today.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.