COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Last night, right-wing podcaster, commentator, and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins was among the crowd at President Donald Trump’s MAGA rally. Though he lives hundreds of miles away in another state, Bohiggins says it was a “no brainer” decision for him to hop in his 1989 Ford sedan and drive up to North Carolina to attend the rally. Bohiggins was among those who gleefully chanted “Send her back” when Trump brought up Minnesota congresswoman Rep. Ilhan Omar’s name.
“It was one of the best moments I’ve ever had as a pure, white, good, clean, all American patriot,” Bohiggins told listeners today on his podcast. “Nothing says freedom, liberty, and independence like shouting at a brown person to leave your country because you’re offended by the words that come out of their mouth! And if those words are all namby-pamby, hippie dippie crap about letting people be free to choose their own, best life, then that’s even better! True freedom is doing what the GOP and its orange savior tell us to do, is it not fam?”
Bohiggins says that the chanting reminded him “very much” of some of his favorite times as an American.
“It’s like when you’re lightin’ up a big ol’ wooden lowercase T, for Trump, on some uppity urban’s lawn, and you and your, um, clan, start spontaneously whistlin’ Dixie and chanting, ‘Jews will not replace us!’,” Bohiggins ranted, “Or when we were burning all those copies of the Koran and the AP U.S. history textbooks! There’s just something very American about mobs and chanting stuff about brown people that makes the bald eagle in my heart soar!”
As much fun as he had at the rally, Jethro says things took a little bit of a downward turn as he was driving back home.
“See, the problem, fam, is that I’m not a cuck, so I refuse to have one of those smartphones. We all know you only get so-called smart in so-called schools, and schools are where libtards indoctrinate us, so I don’t need nothin’ that’s smart in my life,” Bohiggins explained, “not no smartphone. Not no smart TVs. Not no smart president. I like my shit easy and dumb, fam!”
Because he doesn’t own a smartphone, Jethro was left to rely on maps to navigate himself from the rally in North Carolina, back to his home state of Tennessee. But, there was one problem with that, as well.
“I also don’t buy no books, ever, because for the same reasons! Books mean education, which means libtard indoctrination, so I don’t buy any Thomas Guides or nothin’,” Jethro said. “The problem was that I guess I had accidentally used my map as a napkin when I stopped off at the Chick-Fil-A. See, napkins for customers only and I was just there to rub one out. Point is, I lost my map, fam, and I was stuck for a good long while in North Carolina.”
Without his map, Jethro says that he was “utterly and completely lost,” and he was forced to break from his principles and buy a new map. However, Bohiggins wasn’t out of hot water, even with the map. There was one more problem he was left with.
“I tried every way I could to find Tennessee on a map, but not being able to read, that put me in one hell of a bind,” Bohiggins said. “I mean, I know we ain’t the mitten shaped state, and I know where Commiefornia is because of all the pipe bombs I’ve sent them over the years. But I couldn’t for the life of me find Tennessee on a map, and I had to pick up a hitchhiker.”
The hitchhiker, thankfully, had a smartphone with GPS.
“I still ain’t gonna buy one for myself, but yeah, I’m glad we was able to get back home, eventually,” Jethro told his audience. “Because it’s much easier to make memes about how un-American and bad for the country Ilhan Omar is from home, which makes not being able to find your way home even tougher to get through. I did it though. All on my own, just like a good conservative does.”
A caller asked Bohiggins how he did it alone if he admitted he needed a stranger’s smartphone, eventually.
“ALL BY MYSELF, FAM,” Bohiggins shouted. “And Omar can still go back where she came from, and as soon as I learn how to read, and then subsequently learn where her birth country is, I’ll personally send her packing there…once I get off the dole and back working, fam. I promise. Which reminds me, hit me up on my Patreon or Venmo or Paypal. I need some Skoal and a pregnancy test because we think my wife is pregnant, and ever since I met here when she was born, I knew I’d make a baby with my cousin Rita.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”