Biden Ends Trump Administration’s Research Into Electrolytes and Plant Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While he’s only been in office just around a hundred days, President Joe Biden has shown no lack of desire or commitment to change things quite dramatically. Already, Biden has closed the McDonald’s kitchen his predecessor built into the White House, and even canceled the federal government’s subscription to former First Lady Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans account.

Today, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced yet another big change.

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“President Biden directed his administration to ferret out the details and progress of several initiatives and programs started by the previous, racist administration,” Psaki began today, “and tasked his entire team with finding places to trim the fat as it were. Today, we’re announcing that all funding for federal research into the effect electrolytes have on plants, and specifically if plants crave it, has been canceled.”

During his single term in office, former President Mushroom Dong directed the FDA to begin a deep-dive study on whether or plants can thrive if they’re fed a steady diet of sports drinks that contain high levels of electrolytes. While that administration was certainly not known for its pro-environment policies, they touted the electrolyte research as such. Psaki said regardless of how the Trump administration viewed the study, President Biden has decided it’s “not worth it” to pursue any longer.

“Elections have consequences, and the American people asked President Biden to lead this country in his way,” Psaki said. “Spending money on things like Adderall subscriptions from Amazon prime or research like this is not a priority for this president.”

In a written statement with a phony presidential seal, former President Trump blasted Biden’s decision to end the electrolyte research. Trump called it a “direct attack on the beautiful MAGA patriots and radicalized morons” who voted for him. Trump insinuated that it wasn’t Biden’s sole decision to end the research, either.

“Clearly Bobby Antifa and George Soros have gotten to him,” Trump wrote, “and that is just SAD!”

Paski assured the public that the Biden administration will have the national stockpile of burrito coverings replenished by the end of the year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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