Betsy DeVos: “I Don’t Care About Women Getting Raped Until God Makes a Baby With It”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Secretary Betsy DeVos made waves when she announced that her Department of Education will be ending an Obama-era Title IX policy on campus sexual assault. In 2011, the Obama Administration issued guidelines under Title IX that mandated schools must take an active role in protecting students from being sexually assaulted. Any school not meeting the new standards could have their funding pulled. DeVos announced that policy would be ending, but did not say if any new policies would be put in their place.

“Our interest is in exploring all alternatives that would help schools meet their Title IX obligations and protect all students,” DeVos said. “We welcome input and look forward to hearing more ideas.” (Mic)

The move brought predictable condemnation and outrage from the left. Critics say this move could allow schools to ignore allegations of sexual assault without any repercussions. Some have said this decision sends a message to potential victims of rape that if they seek justice they may not get it, and it could ultimately discourage students from coming forward with their allegations.

“This move makes no sense,” Democratic lawmaker Helen Shatsworth told us, “unless you think that false rape allegations are rampant, but I have yet to see a single study or any data that backs that notion up.”

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This morning, at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, DeVos attempted to explain herself and put some of the criticisms to rest.

“I said it yesterday, and I’ll say it again, good intentions are not enough,” DeVos said, though she quickly added, “Unless you’re, say, gutting public education with the good intention of giving everyone the illusion of school choice. Or, if you have good intentions behind stripping 800,000 Dreamers of their protected legal status so you can make some old, bitter, white people happy for a few minutes. Then good intentions are, like, so totes dope-rad, guys.”

Secretary DeVos explained that her decision also hinged on her core, Christian conservative beliefs.

“Well, in the Bible, rape isn’t always condemned, for starters,” Secretary DeVos said, “like if you rape your wife, the Bible is pretty ambiguous as to whether God sees that as a sin or not. So it’s not just Republicans who have different rape rules, it’s God. Keep that in mind.”

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Ms. DeVos further explained that her Christian conservatism allows her to take a “more subtle and nuanced view” of rape in general.

“Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve got a lot on my plate,” DeVos explained, “and I don’t care about women getting raped until God makes a baby with it. It’s just known scientific fact that not all rapes are bad. If a rape makes a baby, it’s God’s will, and that’s a beautiful thing. So technically, that rape would be at least admirable, if not beautiful, by those very normal, not insane standards conservative Christians live by.”

In 2012, former Republican Congressman Todd Akin made national headlines when he insinuated that biologically, women’s bodies can detect a “legitimate rape” and “shut that whole thing down.” The implication was that sometimes there’s a legal definition of rape where consent isn’t always the standard. He was roundly criticized for it, and ultimately lost that election to Senator Claire McCaskill. DeVos says she and Akin consulted on the issue before she made her decision.

“Todd has some very good points,” DeVos says, “and I will be making him my department’s Chief Rape Strategy Czar beginning next year. Todd was instrumental in reminding me that sometimes rape isn’t really all that bad anyway. He’s already made some good recommendations like making sure a female is wearing clothes that meet the dress code before we weigh in on rape allegations, just in case what she was wearing might be misconstrued as her asking for it, know what I mean, Jelly Bean?”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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