MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA — All over the country, states are trying desperately to get their residents to take one of the three FDA-approved COVID-19 vaccines. Most economists agree that a key factor in getting economies going again after nearly a year and a half of being largely shutdown to fight the coronavirus pandemic is getting as large a percentage of the workforce vaccinated as possible. The desperation to entice people to get vaccinated as made many states adopt lotteries in which citizens can be entered to win cash and prizes if they get their shot.
Today, Alabama announced that it too was joining the vaccination lottery movement.
“This week, Alabamans can sign up to get vaccinated at any vaccination site in the state, fill out a simple form, give us their cell phone number,” an announcement from the governor’s office states, “and within fifteen minutes they’ll be texted nudes of their sister. For free. You don’t even need to sign up for her OnlyFans, which you probably already pay for anyway.”
Not everyone in the state has a sister, and Alabama knows that. So that’s why residents will have an option to get sent nudes from someone else.
“As long as they’re a familial relation, such as a cousin, or an aunt you always wanted to see naked,” the announcement continues, “we will find a way to get you their nudes. All we ask is that you show up to your local church parking lot, Chick-Fil-A drive up window, or next cross burning and get your vaccine!”
Women and members of the LGTBQ community are not eligible for this promotion.
“We’re sorry, but it’s ‘Adam got his vaccination and got to see his sister’s titties,’ not ‘Adam and Steve got their vaccinations because they’re responsible, gay Alabamans,'” Alabama’s announcement says. “We’re sure you all understand. This is a Christian state, and we must do things as the Bible says, which is why incest is such an integral part of the rich tapestry of Alabama’s history.”
It would appear that the Alabama government was onto something. In the hours since the promotion was announced, state officials report a 10,000% increase in vaccination sign-ups. Alabama plans to run the free-nudes-of-your-sister vaccination giveaway until roughly 70% of the state’s adult male population is vaccinated.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.