14 Year Old Girl Assures Trump and Pence She Wasn’t Really Using Her Reproductive Rights Yet, Anyway

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A 14 year old girl visiting the president and vice president at the White House this morning let them know they’re free to choose someone to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy with a strongly anti-abortion candidate because she’s not using her reproductive rights at the moment.

“Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, I wanted to poke my head in here and just tell you two that I want you to feel free to choose anyone you want to replace Justice Kennedy,” Kelly McGee told Pence and Trump this morning in the Oval Office. “Sure, both of you will likely be dead by the time I’m ready to start making procreative decisions for myself, but I’d love to know that you guys died after carving a path toward stripping me of my sexual autonomy and making my vagina and its attendant parts the property of the U.S. government!”

Ms. McGee said that while some women and even girls her age might be afraid or sad about growing up with fewer rights than their grandmothers had, she is not.

“It’s every little girl’s dream to be forced into being a breeding sow,” McGee told Trump and Pence, “and if I can be forced to carry my future rapist’s baby to term, even better!”

Kelly told everyone in the Oval Office she thinks “human rights are overrated” and all she really wants to do when she grows up is “whatever [her] husband tells [her] to.”

MORE: Klansmen Already Lined Up Around Supreme Court Building Wanting To Apply For Kennedy’s Seat

“So I thought about it the other night and I realized if I’m just being raised to be a subservient little sex slave whose only jobs on this planet are to fuck my dude so we can make a baby I’ll be pretty much solely responsible for caring for, I don’t need to have my own thoughts or feelings about my own vagina,” Kelly reassured the administration. “So you find the most scientifically illiterate person you can find, put them on the bench, and I’ll be just fine. Hell, pick someone who thinks babies come from storks, what do I care, thinking is for boys anyway!”

The president and vice president thank Kelly for her time and input and told her they’d do everything they could to set her gender back an entire generation.

“Oh thank you sirs! And hey, I’m not doing anything with my right to vote for another four years anyway, so take that too while you’re at it,” Kelly said, “What the hell do I care? The way you guys are running things there won’t be a country to force me into sex slavery by the time I could vote anyway.”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This