Kushner Blames Lack of Russian Translation for Omissions on Security Forms

American security forms are all in English, and Jared Kushner says that is at least partially to blame for his glaring omissions from them.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ahead of his scheduled, closed door testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee investigators, Jared Kushner released a statement about the various reported issues with his security clearance forms. Over the last few weeks, Kushner — President Donald Trump’s son-in-law — has had to amend his clearance applications to include meetings with Russian business interests on more than one occasion. When Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails about a meeting he took with a Russian lawyer, it was revealed that Kushner and Trump’s campaign manager at the time was also in the meeting.

As he was walking into the rotunda to begin his meeting, Kushner was asked in passing by a reporter why his forms were incorrect. Kushner pointed to his prepared statement, which indicates that he believes his assistant in D.C. submitted the electronic form too soon. He also casually mentioned a lack of Russian translation on the forms as a reason they were wrong.


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“I want to be very clear; I did not collude with any foreign government, as my written statement says,” Kushner said as he walked by the reporter, “but it also didn’t help that the forms aren’t in Russian.”

Pressed for details, Kushner said he couldn’t stop to talk very long, but did offer a little more insight into what he meant.



“All I’m saying is that since the form isn’t in Russian,” Kushner said, “it was taking a lot longer to fill out. Some stuff gets lost in translation, you know? So the people I had filling out the forms for me, giving me the answers I should provide, were taking extra long to do it because they had Google translate so much of it into Russian. Standard stuff.”


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Kushner also seemed to want to distance himself from Donald Jr. and Manafort, not just in his written statement, but also as he talked to reporters on his way into the Senate Intel meeting. In his statement, Kushner says he tried to get out of the meeting with Manafort, Trump’s son, and the Russian lawyer. Whether or not that line of reasoning works on investigators, Kushner said this morning that Don Jr.’s recent surgery to fix his Chronic Jizz Face might be to blame.

“I’ve heard that recovering from plastic surgery can be tough on you, mentally,” Kushner posited, “So maybe the drugs just hadn’t worn off yet? I don’t know. All I know is that the meeting wasn’t my idea, I tried to get out of it, and sure I was there, and sure I tried to help my father in law set up a back channel to Russia that couldn’t be picked up by our intelligence communities so that makes me look collusive as fuck, but I didn’t put that meeting — Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting, really —  on the security clearance form because my assistant fucked up…and the Russian language thing…and are you guys buying any of this bullshit or should I – HEY LOOK AT THAT THING OVER THERE!”

Kushner pointed down the hallway, and by the time the reporters looked back, he had vanished in a cloud of smoke that smell faintly of borscht and treason.


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