Kellyanne Conway: Manafort Not Arrested, He’s “Alternatively Free for Alternatively Not Colluding With Russia”

"We really don't know who this Mantlefart guy is."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not the Donald Trump administration is in crisis reaction mode this morning is unclear, however one of the president’s top advisers told Fox News viewers this morning that they have “nothing to be nervous about” as it pertains to the charges filed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller against and arrest made of former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort.

“There’s absolutely nothing for our patriotic supporters to worry about, because Paul Manafort wasn’t even arrested,” Conway told the hosts of Fox & Friends this morning. “Right now, he’s alternatively free for alternatively not colluding with Russia. It’s really so simple, isn’t it?”

The Fox & Friends hosts nodded their heads up and down in unison, mechanically answering, “Yes, it is,” in one, unified, monotone voice. Ms. Conway then explained to viewers that the “lamstream media is so desperate to denigrate Dear President” that they will “stoop to reporting facts without giving the alternative facts and letting the viewer decide which facts make them feel best and are therefore true.”

“The media will come out and tell you the sky is blue,” Conway said, “without also telling you the sky is blue because Hillary Clinton threatened to kill it over what it knows about Pizzagate, Uranium One, Benghazi, and Vince Foster. See what I mean?”

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Ms. Conway said it’s in every American’s interest to demand “nothing but the truth they want to hear” from the press.

“If you’re not getting the straight covfefe from your local news, you call them up and tell them we didn’t lose all those lives on 9/11, or during the Bowling Green Massacre, to just sit back and listen to news being reported factually.”

Mr. Manafort was the campaign manager for Trump in the summer of 2016. The campaign which ultimately upset former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s bid to be the first female President of the United States of America, had been marked by tumult and instability, and Manafort’s brief reign at the top of the food chain was evidence of that instability. It was after his deep ties to businesses in the Ukraine owned by Russian oligarchs came to light that Manafort was let go from the campaign.

“We really don’t know who this Mantlefart guy is,” Conway insisted, “but even if we did, we’d just like to reiterate what our beautiful, glorious, pure white, ammo hoarding, patriotic supporters know — the president is a big, fat, fuckin’ dummy. Sure,. maybe Manatee colluded with Russia, and maybe he was in the same meeting with Don Jr. and Jared Kushner. But even all that doesn’t mean our president knew anything. He’s too stupid to know stuff. Didn’t it ever occur to you all that everyone underneath him was doing this stupid shit without him technically knowing about it so we could cling to the flimsiest form of plausible deniability ever?”

This story is developing.

 

 

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