Trump Crosses Outside Crosswalk And John Dowd, His Lawyer, Argues Presidents Can’t Jaywalk

WASHINGTON, D.C. — John Dowd, personal lawyer to President Donald Trump, has seen his name recognition skyrocket in the last 72 hours, but perhaps not for reasons he’d like.

Mr. Dowd became a household name when he, in an effort to deflect criticism and scrutiny away from his boss, claimed to have written a now infamous tweet that Trump sent. The tweet in question seemed to outright admit that Mr. Trump knew former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn had lied to the FBI about contacts he had with Russian officials, which would seem to implicate that he in fact attempted to obstruct justice by firing former FBI Director James Comey.

The tweet in question is seen below.

But Dowd’s floating of a rather Nixonian legal theory — that a sitting president simply cannot commit obstruction of justice in a legal sense — perhaps drew him the most criticism. In an interview with Axiom, Dowd seemed to parrot a very famous line given by Richard Nixon in a 1977 interview with David Frost about the Watergate scandal that ultimately ended his presidency. In the video below, watch former President Nixon make his no infamous defense of his actions

This morning, in a fateful turn of events, Mr. Dowd and Mr. Trump were seen crossing the street. When a nearby police officer on a walking beat saw President Trump cross outside the crosswalk, he stopped the two men. A ticket was issued to Trump, which Mr. Dowd immediately tore up.

“This ticket is unconstitutional,” Dowd told the officer.

The officer persisted.


RELATED: Trey Gowdy Promises To Get To Bottom Of Connection Between Michael Flynn’s Russian Contacts And Benghazi

“Sir, no one is above the law and I saw President Trump clearly cross the street outside the boundaries of the designated crosswalk,” the officer said calmly.

But Dowd pressed on.

“You didn’t see that,” Mr. Dowd told the cop.

“Yes, I did,” the cop shot back.

“No you did not,” Dowd said, even more emphatically. “And besides, it doesn’t matter even if you did; president’s can’t jaywalk.”

The argument continued as Dowd and Trump entered a local 7-Eleven convenience store.  While the policeman and Dowd argued over Trump’s jaywalking, the president walked over to the candy aisle, grabbed a bag of snack size Snickers bars because they “make [his] hands feel yuge,” and then left without paying for them. The officer ran after Trump and began to take him into custody for shoplifting the candy.

Dowd, swooped in and swatted away the officer’s handcuffs.

“He didn’t steal that candy; he just took executive privilege over it,” Dowd said. “This isn’t some unarmed black kid, this is the president. Show him respect.”

The two men just kept yelling back and forth for a few minutes. Suddenly, Trump made a face that the cop thought meant he was thinking of something deep and important to say; something with gravitas and import. Instead, Trump simply lifted his right leg, gave a grunt, and broke wind in a long, wet, flappy sounding breath from his anus. Dowd acted quickly.

“He didn’t just fart. You didn’t smell anything,” Dowd said. “Even if you did, it doesn’t matter. Even if it matters it doesn’t mean it’s stinky. Even if it’s stinky, it doesn’t mean it came from his asshole. Even if it came from his asshole, you cannot confirm he had anything to do with it.”

This story is developing.


More satire:

Robert Mueller Also Subpoenas Trump’s Accounts With Douche Bank

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