“Here’s Why Your Uterus Belongs to Those Weird Jesus Freak Neighbors” by Amy Coney Barrett

The following editorial was submitted by Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney OfJesse Barrett. The views and opinions herein are those of Mrs. Barrett’s, provided her husband agreed to let her have views and opinions of her own. 

With your husbands’ or fathers’ permission, of course, I’d like to address this open letter to the women of America.

I know there has been an awful lot of anger out there after Justice Alito’s opinion leaked last week. I myself don’t understand what all the fuss is about, and since my husband refused to inform me, or let me read the news accounts for myself, I don’t think I ever will.

From what I can gather, though, it seems like you all have been given a lot of harmful misinformation, and I think I need to take this time to break precedent and speak out, publicly, about a pending case.

The main issue, as I see it, is far too many people suddenly having this notion in their minds that a woman has the right to make her own uterine decisions. They base this crazy claim, I guess, on the idea that their uteruses belong to them. Nothing, and I repeat NOTHING could be the farthest from the truth.

Allow me to dispel this myth, once and for all.

@jamboschlarmbo Good news for everyone who stays awake every night worrying about all the #abortion in America! #politics #politik #polititok #politok #prochoice #plannedparenthood #womensrights #political #politicaltiktok ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

The truth is that your kooky, Jesus Freak neighbors are the ones who get to dictate your vaginal policies to you. That’s right! The same weird people who think it’s totally natural that God would rape a 14 year old virgin to bring his son into the world get to tell you that if you’re ever raped, you have to raise THAT rape baby too.

Neat, huh?

You might be wondering what could possibly give your Jesus Freak neighbors the right to own your reproductive organs. The Constitution? Of course not. The Bible? Well, for some reason the cucks who wrote it didn’t condemn abortion at all, and in some parts it actually tells priests how to perform an abortion.

So, what, exactly, is the reason Jesus Freaks get to own your Who-Ha, you ask?

Because we want to. We’re white conservatives. We’re entitled to everything, and the best part is we’re entitled to call you entitled for trying to deny us something we feel we’re entitled to.

So the long and the short of it is, quite simply: Fuck you. That’s why.

Blessed be the fruit.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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